"Be the kind of person you look up to."

Maybe some other people have thought of that phrase before. Maybe I'm just a little slow. But as I took my shower this morning, that phrase suddenly popped up in my head, and I think I've just found the answer I've been seeking all this while.

2013 hasn't really been a good year for me. I've made so many mistakes and I deeply regret them all. I tend to submerge myself into the negative portion of my head, most of the time. I rarely saw the good in anyone. I often looked down on others, thinking they don't deserve anything that they have. Bersangka buruk. I wasn't happy with my life. I was filled with so much hate and jealousy that I oversaw the good things in life. Things that Allah has granted me.

I was a hypocrite. I wore my hijab and claimed I'm a loving servant of Allah SWT. I am still His servant. But I wasn't loving. At least not enough. There was so much hatred and jealousy inside me and it poisoned me. It ripped out the happiness and contentment in my life and I was constantly inside my own negative thoughts. I was jealous over other people's happiness. I thought they didn't deserve such things. But...who am I to judge? Allah is the best of planners, and He is fair. So why was I such a hateful person?

Because I let shaytan take over my life.

He whispered things in my ear. Bad things. Made me see the bad in everyone and everything. Made me egoistic. Made me feel like as if I'm the best person in the world and no one else is better than me. I was that arrogant and egoistic. I was filled with too much ego to learn from my peers, from my mistakes. I just can't remember why I let myself succumb to shaytan's horrible whispers. Surely I knew better.

Maybe it was because of that fateful day, when promises broke and everything turned to the worst. What seemed harmless then, has taken its toll on me now.

However, there were times when I felt good about myself and my life. And all that only happened when I turned back to Allah. But for some reason, I always went back to square one; the demonic side of me.

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to get myself back to the cheery old me. It's an endless fight that I've been battling for so long. And it's tiring. A lot of times I just feel like giving up, but a lot of times I manage to pick myself back up again and just go with it.

I just feel so lost right now. My year has been marked and stained with so many dark spots on my heart that it has turned black like ash now. A dead heart.

I'm not really happy with the type of person I've turned out to be throughout the year. It was like as if I was suddenly taken into this dark world where all bad things seemed good and harmless when in fact, they're not at all. I was consumed by all these negative thoughts and I hate myself for that. No doubt, shaytan had  already made a promise to keep us astray from Allah. We all know that. So why do we let him in? Why do we follow him? Why is it so easy to let him take control of our lives, our emotions, etc...? Why?

Because. We're low in faith. Our Iman isn't strong, and we have nobody to blame but ourselves.

So what type of person do I look up to?

A woman. But not just any woman. A woman who is pure in all aspects of life. Her imaan is strong and solid, her faith unstoppable. She dresses modestly, covers her aurat perfectly in the eyes of Allah. She smiles at strangers without expecting a smile back. A form of charity. She doesn't let herself be swept away into the temptations of the dunya, for she knows that the world is only temporary and Jannah is eternal. Her heart is filled with so much love for Allah and His creations, but she knows not to let her love for Allah's creations overpower her love for the Creator Himself. She's wiped clean of hatred and jealousy and envy, because she's thankful for all that Allah has given her because she knows she deserves them. She spends her life fully devoted to her Creator and does not let the devil interfere with her worship of Allah. And instead of daydreaming when her Prince Charming will come and sweep her away into another world of happiness and longetivity, she spends her time trying to be the best for her future husband. She learns to cook, to clean, to fill up her head with useful knowledge. She learns to read the Quran and find the meanings of every surah. She prepares herself, spiritually, mentally, physically, not for her future husband, but for herself too. And with every hardship that she faces, she puts on a brave face and smiles because she  knows that sooner or later, she will get through. She loves Allah, because she knows He'll always be listening. Always. She knows she's beautiful not by her face, or her hair, or her body, but because of her personality.

So who is this woman?

Me. At least not for now. But I'm getting there. InshaAllah. I know what I need to do now. I need to fill my life with positivity and ignore the negatives. I need to learn to control my emotions and my thoughts. I need to surround myself with positive people and people who are pious.

Be the kind of person you look up to. Take a step back and think, are you happy with who you are now?