I guess it's really true that you have no one but yourself, and Allah SWT. Your parents, your brothers, sisters, even your spouse...they won't stick around forever. They've all got their own lives to live and that makes you no different than them.

I think the early signs of depression have started to snake their ways inside me. I do not know how long I've managed to deal with such a disturbance but what I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting away. As each day passes, I become confused. Lost in a daze, I wonder where all the time went. I wonder why I feel so lost when I know exactly where I'm meant to be.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to feel or how I should feel. I don't know what I should do next. I don't know where it all started but there was a time when a seed of despair planted itself inside my system. And it grew and it grew until it clouded up my better judgements. There were times when I managed to pull it out, but it was up to no use. They're like weeds. You pull out one, and two more start to grow.

I think the reason why I've let it manage to grow into such a size is because I've been letting it nest inside me for too long. I've been quiet for far too long. I made a mistake of thinking that if I ignore it, it will go away. But it didn't. It kept coming back, more and more forcefully each time. All these emotions, these feelings, I've let it bubble up inside me for far too long. I knew I needed to let it all out, but to whom?

People think I'm strong. Oh. Don't be fooled by my nonchalant facade. They think I speak like a woman with that air of confidence that follows her so naturally like as if she was born with it. They think I'm strong. No. They're just fooled by that mask I put on every single day. I try to look confident, to speak with that intimidating air of confidence, to be the perfectionist everyone wishes to be just so I could believe that I am that confident, bold woman I yearn to be, even just for half a day. What they do not know, however, is that when I unwind myself before I go to bed, that mask is gone. All that's left is a soft, weak-hearted weakling. Timid, vulnerable. Susceptible to almost anything that has the possibility of harming me.

Lately I've come to realize that at the end of the day, you only have yourself and God to turn to. People claim they will always be there for you, they will catch you when you fall, they will wipe your tears away when you cry. Lies. Why are we all such fools to believe such foolish promises? Because we want to feel secured? To feel that comforting feeling of knowing that there will always be someone to pick you up when you fall? Why are we all so weak?

I've come to that stage where I'm building thick, ginormous walls around myself with very few openings, so that no one can just swoop in and hurt me. Destroy me. I've made myself vulnerable to a few people and got myself hurt in the process. And since then, I knew what I needed to do. I need to stop depending so much on others to make me happy. I need to stop expecting to be happy once I start talking to a loved one. I'm just so sick of being disappointed every time. I'm tired of it. Because I've been depending so much on others, i feel like I'm living my life for them and not for myself.

And it has occurred to me that I will never be satisfied until I find the strength that I've been looking for all this while. Satisfaction comes with strength. I need to find that strength in order to feel satisfied and happy with myself and I can only acquire that strength if Allah SWT allows me to.

I will try to open up my eyes a little wider and see the world at a much more open-minded mentality. But I will not let myself get so vulnerable to everything around me. Everywhere I go, there's a bubble around me. A force field to shield me from anything that could possibly harm me. I can see clearly what's up ahead, but I will not let it get to me. It can launch itself towards me, gnawing at my skin to break me open and make me bleed vulnerably, but it can never get to the core of my steel heart. People will lie to you and give you a ton of shit just to fulfill their own wants and needs, and it's our job to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

I'd like to think that all of this is will make me stronger and bolder in the end. Also, I tend to be the one to pick myself up when I'm down below in that deep well of despair. See? A bit stronger now. But I'm bound to break again tomorrow. And so the whole cycle continues.