Lately I have come to realize that my ego is as high and as stubborn as the ego of a man. I have come to realize that there's this barrier within me that keeps on saying, "You're alright by yourself," "You don't need to let it out," "You're fine," "You can bounce back all by yourself." It's this barrier within me that makes me have the urge to just keep my problems to myself because, to be honest, it's just really that hard to find someone who can really understand you.

I hate being seen as the weak one. Sometimes I just feel like telling someone, anyone, about my problems, but there's this tiny little voice at the back of my head that's always saying, "You're only going to trouble them," "You're only going to worry them," "Buck up you weak little human." I don't know why I keep mentally torturing myself, but I'd like to believe that this way, it can help me to become a stronger woman as each day passes.

Someone once told me that it's not right for me to mentally torture myself like this, to constantly condemn my own self and act so harsh to myself. I was told that this mental torture is what's bringing me down, day by day. I don't know. I honestly don't know.

It has also hit my realization that I'm a very impatient person. A friend recently told me that, when doing group-work, she noticed that I always kept on asking, "What's next?" once I was done with a certain task. She meant that in a good way. But in truth, it wasn't because I wanted to do the job, but because I was impatient. I wanted to get the whole job done as soon as possible and I hated wasting my time and energy to be present and not do anything. There are two ways to look at that I suppose but... sigh i don't know!

I don't think I've been mentally healthy for the past couple of weeks. Negative thoughts kept on lingering around in my mind and I kept on making myself feel so...weak. Especially when it comes to my studies. Of course there are people out there who are much smarter and much more intelligent than I am and no matter how much I wanted to be like them, I kept on making negative, sarcastic remarks about myself. It's an act that I don't understand. I don't understand why I kept on doing that to myself.

Ironic. Earlier this year I taught myself on self-love, but look what I've come to to this day.

Last Sunday was probably one of the best days of my life. My coursemates and I had to bring forward our presentations on our findings on the principles of architectural design -- don't ask why it's on a Sunday -- and it was a group work. My group was the last group to present our presentation and it received a really positive feedback from our lecturers. I never really prepared my speech for the presentation and I never really rehearsed. I just knew in my head what I wanted to say and what I wanted to deliver but I never really rehearsed. I only rehearsed 'in my mind' lol.

Hours prior to our presentation, I kept on telling myself, "Have faith in yourself. Keep calm. Pray to Allah. Ask Him to help you today," and I did all that. I was exceptionally calm that day, especially during those few minutes prior to our presentation. And during our presentation, I did all that I could, delivered what I'd understood about the project. I did it from the heart, with the help of Allah. And in the end, when it was time for the comments and feedbacks from the lecturers, it was my name whom the lecturer spoke of first.

"You presented it very well. You made us forget for a while that we're actually dealing with Foundation students instead of Architecture students." -- Ar. Adrianta.

I will always remember what my lecturer said to us that day. It was moving and it was really inspiring. After the whole thing ended, as I was about to leave the hall, I bumped into my lecturer again. He asked how I managed to deliver such a presentation. I honestly didn't know myself. I only believed in myself, and in Allah.

For the past couple of nights I've been 'recuperating' from my unhealthy mental state. I stumbled upon a band called General Ghost and their songs are inspiring. It's not so much the lyrics that inspired me but it's their music itself, the way they sound, that leaves me feeling so refreshed and so energetic.