Today feels like a long day. Incredibly unproductive. Exhausted, drained. Unappreciated. Lack of appetite becomes more severe day by day. I know there are children in poverty out there who scarcely get to lay their hands on a proper meal, but lately the sight of food makes my stomach churn in an unpleasant way...and it's not hunger. I keep feeling like I need to throw up. With my growing lack of appetite lately, I think it must be gastric. I know I sound ungrateful. But I'm not. Believe me, I'm not even liking this appetite of mine that's slowly diminishing. It results in me becoming so tired and so I rely on energy drinks to keep me going. I know, it's not good. It's bad. I've been finishing my meals very rarely, so I opt for smaller portions whenever I have my meals. And my portions are really getting smaller each day. And no, I'm not becoming anorexic. I don't intend to lose weight. My appetite just hasn't been with me for the past few days and it's not like I wanna lose weight drastically like those anorexics you see on TV. I like my weight.

Self-love. That's one of the major things I've learned so far this year. And I certainly am sure that putting myself in devoid of proper meals isn't included in self-love.

I guess sometimes, or rather most of the time in my case now, I'm just too tired to eat. So many things going on that it's draining me out.

Anyway, enough of all that negativity. I know I've just turned seventeen three months ago, but in nine months I'm turning eighteen. I'll be legal. An adult. And now that I barely get to spend time with my family and friends lately, that pretty much leaves me standing alone on my own two feet. I can't rely on anyone anymore. People will start treating me like an adult. It might not be now, but I want to make sure that by the time people start taking me seriously, I'll be one step ahead of them. I'm using the time I have now to get rid of all the negative vibes that have been building up for the past few months. Cleanse myself of any pessimism, cruelty, and low expectations. Purify my soul with more religious activities and a positive mind. Become more matured than how people my age would normally act like.

Im using the time I have now to prepare myself for the future. To be fully equipped with top-notch qualities of an intelligent young woman once I step into university so that no one and nothing can break me just like how many did back when I was in school.

Speaking of universities, I cant wait to be back in school. I can honestly say that I miss studying. I miss going into a classroom and be taught with what the teachers have to teach. Discussing tough questions with my peers and occasionally voicing out what I know about the discussed topic. I'm happy at work, but really, the only thing I want right now is to get my badonkey back in school. I want to learn what I want to learn. I want to meet people, make new friends, and engage myself in an environment that can keep me occupied. I haven't done a thorough research on the colleges/universities I want to go to but as far as I'm concerned the next intake would be September. That's a long way to go and I'm not sure I can sustain myself in my daily routine of going to work that long. I need my education.

I really miss equipping my brain with knowledge. I guess I should've applied for the January intake but back then I was too caught up with the thought of getting my driving license and getting a job to occupy my weekdays. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I want to get into a university and learn!

Back when I was in school I didn't really score good grades. They were either average or slightly higher and the only subjects I managed to score were maths and English. I can't say I wasn't very bright/intelligent, because i don't believe that I'm dumb. To me, there are many ways of being bright and intelligent and it's not just being highly educated. Anyway, I was educated enough. It's just that I was lazy and I took things for granted. And that has resulted in me not getting excellent results like how everyone else did. Which led to the constant disappointment my parents had to endure just because I didn't get good grades.

At one point I realized that I want all that to change. I can't be the lazy irresponsible teenager anymore. My parents are getting old, and they might not be able to stick around for a long time now (which I really hope not!) My father turns 62 this year and my mother turns 58. And here I am still at seventeen, still not in university. I still have a long time before I graduate from university and I want my parents to still be around, alive and well, to see me graduate and know that there's a bright future ahead of me. There's a small part of me that keeps on saying that they might not (which I hope not) be around, and the only way I can show them that I do have the basis of becoming successful like my siblings is to study hard in university and score excellent grades throughout the years to come. I will keep trying and fighting to achieve this tough but not impossible goal of mine. I've never really made my parents proud of my grades. I want to know how it feels like. And insyaAllah I'll be given another chance to do so. And that chance lies in me being accepted into a university. I pray and hope that my parents will still be around when I graduate from university...and when I get married too. Haha! Dang.

I hope that one day I will become the person I yearn to be; very matured, intelligent, bright, and inspiring. I really hope so. And the only way I can get there is by starting now. By instilling positive values and develop top-notch qualities in myself. There will be people who will try to bring me down, but I won't let them. I've been through enough to know that it's all a matter of the way you think. Interpret an obstacle with a negative mind and you'll end up worse. But override an obstacle with a positive mind and you'll end up being the better person you'd have never even thought to be. There will be times when I stumble and fall down, but all I have to do to keep on going is to get up and move forward.

This is one of those posts where I simply write whatever comes to mind. It's relieving, to be honest. Haha.

I am Iman Nedhiera and I believe in myself.