I feel like writing a long post today, yeah.

A few weeks ago my mother made me sit down with her and we had a talk that made both of us cry. Back then I became very futile and unproductive, I didn't want to go to school, I couldn't make myself sit down at a desk and study, and I shied away from my studies. All year I've been pretty relaxed about SPM and it's dangerous for my results. And that one night changed everything.

My mother and I talked about a lot of things that night. It was more of a confrontation, really. I'm not gonna tell you what we spoke about, but after that night, I started becoming more respectful towards my mother. Back then I was very temperamental with her. I used to think that it was annoying whenever she asked me whether or not I've studied, how my day went, etc. etc. I snapped at her too easily, I scoffed and rolled my eyes at her whenever she asked me to do something. I was a very disrespectful child. I used to think that she didn't even care about me, that she only cared about my exam results. But little did I know, she was only trying to keep her nose out of my personal life...and I'm not so happy about the fact that my own actions led to that. So after that night that we talked, I see my mother differently now. She told me things that I never would've even imagined her telling me, her child who is 40 years younger than her. I was very taken aback when my mother told me these things, but after that I felt grateful because it made me understand her better. I also told her about my personal problems, and likewise she understands me even better now.

While I was having dinner just now, I started thinking about how lately my mother's been very caring and considerate about me. She asks about how my day went, how my studies are going, etc., in such a motherly tone that I feel humbled to talk to her. Before that talk, I used to think that my mother didn't care about me, that she wasn't supporting me in everything I do. But she was, she's been caring about me and supporting me all along. It's just that she wasn't showing it to me, in fear of getting her heart broken by my stupid, hateful responses.

I love my mother even more now, and it breaks my heart to see her cry. When we had that talk that night, my mother cried. It suddenly felt like as if someone took a knife and plunged it to my heart a million times. It was that painful to see my own mother cry. That talk made me think of all the things I've said and done to her that made heart shatter. I've said and done so many things that wounded and scarred her and I feel awful every time I think about it. I was a disrespectful child. Anak derhaka. Tak mengingati jasa ibu ku sendiri.

I'm very grateful for that talk my mother and I had that night. Like I said, we both understand each other much, much better now and I feel so comfortable to talk to my mother. She made it clear that she really do cares about me and that her arms are always wide open for me to crawl into them whenever I'm faced with a problem. Nowadays I've been trying my best to speak to my mother nicely and not raise my voice at her because I know that raising my voice would cause a million cracks in her fragile heart. I know I'm incapable of doing much to repay all her love and care, but I know that making her proud of me would suffice. I want to get excellent results for SPM as a way of showing my affection to my mother, and also to my father of course. Thinking of their constant support and motivation makes me want to push myself beyond my limits to achieve those straight 10A's I'm rooting for in SPM. I want to make them proud, since I'm their last child, and I want to do better than any of my siblings did. I know I'm capable of these things, simply because I can.

All I can say now is Alhamdullillah. I was born and raised in a good family and I want to make my parents proud by getting kick-ass excellent results for SPM. I wouldn't mind if I don't get a new phone or a laptop or a new camera if I do well in SPM. All I want is just the look of satisfaction on my parents' faces and that's all I'm asking for. I just want my parents to be proud of me :)