After so many months, I'm finally writing again. I don't know if anyone's going to read this but frankly I really don't care.

You know that feeling when you've gone through the same thing that slowly destroys you over and over again that you start to feel nothing and you eventually feel numb? Indifferent. But there's always something that's pushing you to keep thinking positively. It urges you on to hope just a little bit more, even when you know deep inside that there's nothing else to hope for. But no, you're just so stubborn to listen to your heart. You decide to become a fool instead by raising your hopes up, sometimes way too high, and when things don't go the way you hoped for, it's like you're falling head-first into the ocean from the top of the highest mountain. People keep telling you to think positively, and you're too foolish to believe them. You listen to them, and you start thinking of wonderful things that you eventually hope for even though you know it won't happen, ever. What's worse is that those people who tell you to think positive are the ones hurting you in the end.

It's a vicious cycle. Something happens, you end up being disappointed, but you choose to think positively, so some hope eventually builds up in you, but instead of being cautious this time, you tend to overthink and you hope too much. Why? Because some people just have such a great power over you that you feel obligated to let them take control over your mind. And the next thing you know, you're back on square one. The cycle goes on and there's no way of telling when to stop.

Sometimes I regret the decisions I've made in my life. But then again, when I give it a second thought, it's these decisions that make me become who I am today. It's these decisions, big or small, that teach me the life lessons I need to know in order to live as a human being. But I can't help thinking, what if I never did all that? A lot of 'what ifs' circle around in my head quite a lot. I know I can't change what's been done in the past, but I can't help but to think.

I dug a well deep enough for me to sink into without ever getting out again. I let my own selfish thoughts form a cocoon around me, oblivious to the outside world and always holding on to my selfish hopes and dreams without ever thinking of the bad side. What's worse is that I've been holding on to that one thing that further pushes me deep inside my own head, and the next thing I knew, I can't find my way out again. I'm stuck in this THING forever -- okay maybe not forever, but probably for a long time -- and finding my way back out again is just so hard and tiresome.

This is all my fault. I was the one who dragged myself into this mess. I'm trying so hard to let go of that one thing that destroys me, but how can I, when that same thing is the one thing that makes me happy too? I've been weighing down the consequences for so long, I don't think I will ever reach a conclusion. Maybe my actions have been very damaging, but I just couldn't help it. I relied so much on that one thing to keep me happy but all I get in the end is disappointment.

At this point I'm just so clueless on what I have to do next. I can honestly say that I hate where I am now, but what can I do? Nothing happens without the will of Allah, and He has put me here. And as we all know, Allah never puts His believers into situations that He thinks they will not be able to overcome. So I guess right now I just have to stop thinking so much and just rely on Him for guidance because frankly, I'm really tired of trying so hard. I just wish there's a switch somewhere that can magically transport me to a new life. But obviously that's not going to happen. Ever.

So why am I writing this here, then, when there's probably one or two people out there who are willing to listen? I don't know. Maybe because I've relied so much solely on one thing that I started to neglect everything else. That tension builds up and I'm left with this giant need to just let it all out.

Am I making sense here? I don't know. But what I do know is that, I am a lone wolf. Always have, and always will be, no matter who or what I have in my life. Because at the end of the day, there's only myself. And not forgetting, Allah SWT :)

I don't know what I'm going to do next. I wish to remain incognito for the next seven days or so. Hopefully during that period I can clear my head up a bit, wash away all the impurities within me that have been destroying me mentally and emotionally.

I think I need space, but I'm too selfish to be alone. Haha I don't know man. I just wanna enjoy myself for the next seven days.

Cheers.