Iman Nedhiera

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Intensely passionate about photography and other artsy fartsy farts. An avid nature-lover. Highly obsessed with sunny afternoons and evenings, funky-looking clouds, and sunsets. Deeply infatuated with all things old, vintage, and kitschy. Highly sentimental. An enthusiast in baking, photography, and music :)


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Sunday, September 23
12:48 AM

I'm not strong. I'm weak. I succumb to other people's wishes too easily and I'm too weak to say no. Worse even, I succumb to my OWN selfish, lazy thoughts and I never know how to say no to myself. There are many lessons in life that I've learned theoretically, but I was never strong enough to actually put them to action. I let my own self get lost in a daze, constantly in my own world, constantly in my own dreams and wishes that never seem to be fulfilled. I swallow my own feelings a lot and I never really tell them to anyone. My heart is so fragile and no matter how much I wish to develop such a strong personal self, my own pessimistic mind constantly tells me that I can never get there, that I'll always be this soft-hearted weakling that doesn't know how to say no. At this point I feel like giving up because there's been a lot going in my mind lately and I don't know how to get rid of this negative energy of mine. Finals are in about a month and I'm close to dead right now. I don't know what to do and I feel so hopeless and I don't think anyone can help me at this point. I don't even know how to help myself.

Ya Allah help me please.



Thursday, September 13
12:51 PM

I don't know what's going on but I've been very snappy and short-tempered nowadays. My level of perfectionism and going-by-the-book-ness has reached the maximum point and one tiny, itty bitty thing that doesn't go according to plan sets me off like an atomic bomb.

I hate when things don't go according to plan and there isn't a bloody backup plan when things don't go as expected. I hate feeling like a lost puppy searching for its owner whenever there isn't a plan, or a rule, to follow. I hate it so much that it can easily ruin my mood for the whole day. I don't know why but I hate it.

I always thought that all this while I actually have at least someone I can talk to, here in university. Someone who wouldn't mind accompanying me to wherever it is I wanna go around campus. But. Yeah. You know how it ends.

I shouldn't feel so bummed because I'm so used to doing things on my own but most of the time I feel really awkward whenever I'm all by myself. And I don't want creepy guys approaching me just because they 'want to get to know me'. It happened last night while I was having dinner with my roommate and it was so awkward, especially since I was caught in such an awkward position (slurping my noodles and chewing them at the same time) and all the while I was thinking 'Oh please someone save me!" My roommate who was sitting next to me could only keep quiet because it was just so, SO awkward.

I guess the fact that I keep seeing everyone with at least a friend or two accompanying them just leaves me feeling really awkward and, as much as I hate to admit it, lonely. Back in school I didn't mind being all by myself all the time but I don't know why it's the opposite now that I'm in university.

I'm really not in my best shape today and I have a lot of errands to run. I'm supposed to get my midterm results today but I can't, unless I have a passport picture of myself, which I have yet to have ever since I started wearing hijab; and also a copy of my SPM result slip, which is at home. I dont know why they need my freaking SPM result slip to take my midterm results. Other groups didn't have to bring a copy of their SPM result slip! Ridiculous.

Ah yes. Did I mention? Ridicule sets me off, too.

I have errands to run but I have this Archiweek event going on at the Faculty of Built Environment today at 2pm and I'm not sure if I'm going. I need to rush home to get a copy of my stupid SPM result slip and I need to drive all the way to section 14 to get my passport picture done just for the sake of getting my midterm results. Parking at Section 14 is gonna be a bitch. I really dont want to go alone because I don't feel it is safe but then again I doubt anyone would want to accompany me today. Fine. I'll be the lone wolf today.

Argghhh days like this I just feel like going back home and see my whole family.

I'm impatient. So sue me.



Thursday, September 6
4:00 PM

I havent been very productive lately and I'm starting to freak out. Finals are in a month and I'm probably closer than ever to being the last in class. I dont want that but I dont know what to do and how to deal with my current lack of concentration towards my studies. I get distracted way too easily and I just cant seem to sit still at my desk to study. I keep wanting to study at the cafeteria downstairs since I feel that it's a more conducive environment for me but no one seems to want to join so I'd feel like an awkward loser just sitting there all alone with books in front of me.

I dont mean to sound petty and pathetic but I feel really lonely here. I've got friends but they do their things alone and rarely have study groups together. I've never felt more lonely than I do now because even back in school, during our preparations for SPM, my friends and I would always catch up with one another and we'd study together. Whereas here and now, everyone seems to reject my invitation to start a study group and I've reached the point where I'm just fed up with everything. I'll study alone then, so be it.

I don't know if it's the time of the month or I'm just pressured and stressed with my studies or maybe it's the combination of both but right now everything ticks me off. The littlest things ruin my mood for the whole day/night and I get mad so easily and I hate it. I just wanna go home and spend time with my family but that's close to impossible since my family's everywhere around the country and they're all busy with their own things to do. Even my mother stays glued to her work, day and night, even when she's at home, even when it's during the weekend!

Aaaarrrgh wtf is this! *pulls hair in frustration*



Tuesday, September 4
12:09 AM

I used to have long flowing hair, until I chopped it off about two months ago. Shortly after that I started wearing hijab, and I'm no longer a free-haired girl.

It shouldn't matter but I feel like chopping my hair off, again. I feel like having it cropped short, almost like a pixie cut. But, I don't know...not like anyone's gonna see my hair, except my family and close girl-friends in college.

Whatever.

Oh hi. I haven't written in almost three weeks hahah



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