Iman Nedhiera
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Intensely passionate about photography and other artsy fartsy farts. An avid nature-lover. Highly obsessed with sunny afternoons and evenings, funky-looking clouds, and sunsets. Deeply infatuated with all things old, vintage, and kitschy. Highly sentimental. An enthusiast in baking, photography, and music :)
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Saturday, February 28
4:06 PM
Something weird (and freaky) happened to me last night as I was just about to fall asleep. It was so weird and unbelievable that I couldn't even believe it myself.
Okay okay, long story short; I kena hempap. I'm not lying and I wouldn't lie about something like this. I was being disturbed by the setans, or in the other word; a ghost.
I was already about to fall asleep. The constant whirr of my ceiling fan seemed to fade away, further and further from my consciousness. I was sleeping on my left side, my whole body faced the white wall and the empty side of my bed. All of a sudden, my whole body felt numb. I felt numb. I got that weird tingly feeling up and down my body. That's when I felt like as if I was paralyzed. Completely paralyzed.
I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes. I couldn't move my body, not even a slight nudge. In other words, I couldn't move any of my muscles at all. My skin felt cold and tingly, like that sensation of pins and needles, and I was utterly blur. I was halfway to Dreamland, when all of a sudden I felt that tingly thing. My heart pulsed like a thunderstorm until I could even hear my own heartbeat, loudly.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream, but like I said, I was completely paralyzed. Like as if all of a sudden my whole body wasn't functioning. Hell, I didn't even feel my body. I felt like I only had a head, with no arms, no legs, no torso. Just my head. That was the only thing I could feel. I thought to myself while that happened, was I dreaming? Unfortunately, no, I wasn't dreaming. It really happened. I was actually being disturbed by a setan, bloody devil. It is completely up to you to believe it or not, but if you were there, if you were in my shoes at that time, then you'd believe me.
It lasted for a few minutes. I just lay there, paralyzed. My mind started to function badly. I started to imagine that thing standing just a few meters away from me. In my room, I have dark maroon curtains in the background and those transparent white ones in the foreground. So when it gets dark, my maroon curtains will look black and the white ones will look like...well...that thing. From where I was laying, I started to imagine that thing just in front of my curtains. But of course, I remember that I didn't see that thing. No. But I felt it. I haven't been through anything like this before. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream like there's no tomorrow.
After a few minutes, that tingling feeling was gone. My whole body wasn't paralyzed anymore and I could move again. I recited every prayer I could think of in my head. In my head, I recited the prayers out loud until the whole world could hear me. That's when that thing got off me. But, just after I shifted so that I was laying on my right side now, the feeling came back. My skin prickled like pins and needles. It sent tingles up and down my spine. But this time, I wasn't as paralyzed as before. I still couldn't move, but at least I could feel my legs and my arms.
That thing was on top of me. I could feel it. So heavy and paralyzing, I realised. I wanted so badly to scream again, but I failed to do so. I remember feeling my hands clasp together, but I couldn't feel my skin. I knew I was clutching my hand so tightly with my long fingernails, but I didn't feel any pain...because my hands were numb. When I could move again, I still felt the tingles up and down my body. My hands reached automatically for my arms, rubbing them up and down. I didn't feel any goosebumps rising, but it was prickly. When that thing got off me, I felt so relieved that I went to sleep immediately. Now that I think of it again, it makes me sooooo angry.
It knows what you're thinking. If you're weak and scared, just like I was last night, it will attack you. But on the contrary, if you're emotionally strong, it will go away and not disturb you. That's it.
You wanna live in this damn house, go ahead. Just don't disturb me while I'm sleeping. Hell, don't even disturb me at all!
I'm mad alright. Mad just thinking about it. A few things I am certain of :
a) A satan disturbed me last night by laying on top of me, making my whole body paralyzed.
b) I was scared to death.
c) I'm not going to sleep in my room tonight.
d) IF it happens again, I swear to God I'm gonna tell that bastard to go away, even if it means like as if I'm talking to myself. Some crazy lunatic talking to herself. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I went to my school's Sports Day today. I'm not gonna say much, just that I enjoyed my day. My house team was the champion, overall. After so many years of getting either third or the last place, we finally won the title, "Champion"! We were the ones who collected the most points, a total of one thousand six hundred something. Woo! We cheered like there's no tomorrow. Everyone screamed and jumped up and down with joy and pride, so loudly that I couldn't feel my eardrums anymore. Just when I thought that we would lose again this year...sigh. We won! Wooooot!
As I got home from the stadium, I can honestly say that I stank. Really bad. A combination of sweat and perfume. Oh yeah. The sweet smell of success. HAHA. But after showering, I didn't stink at all. I smelt like a baby's skin and my hair smelt like roses. Oh yeaaaah.
I told my sister over lunch about what I've been through last night. She's had the same thing happen to her, too. Twice. The first time, she handled the situation just like I did, or any other human being would. She just sat there, paralyzed, and recited a few prayers. The second time happened to her last year, when she was badly sick. She got so agitated that she grumbled, and that thing went away. When she could feel herself again, she got up and actually challenged that thing to show up. But of course, it didn't show up. Probably scared, in spite of my sister having long black hair that night, with red bloodshot eyes and an angry expression. Woo. Maybe I should do that, too, if it happens to me again, which I hope it won't. Because, really, this isn't something you'd want to experience in your life. Not now, not later, not ever.
I can only pray and beg to God to shelter me from these satans. I never ever want this thing to happen to me again, and the most I can do is to rely on God to help protect me from these things. Allahu akbar, tolong lah aku!
Okay okay, long story short; I kena hempap. I'm not lying and I wouldn't lie about something like this. I was being disturbed by the setans, or in the other word; a ghost.
I was already about to fall asleep. The constant whirr of my ceiling fan seemed to fade away, further and further from my consciousness. I was sleeping on my left side, my whole body faced the white wall and the empty side of my bed. All of a sudden, my whole body felt numb. I felt numb. I got that weird tingly feeling up and down my body. That's when I felt like as if I was paralyzed. Completely paralyzed.
I couldn't open my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes. I couldn't move my body, not even a slight nudge. In other words, I couldn't move any of my muscles at all. My skin felt cold and tingly, like that sensation of pins and needles, and I was utterly blur. I was halfway to Dreamland, when all of a sudden I felt that tingly thing. My heart pulsed like a thunderstorm until I could even hear my own heartbeat, loudly.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream, but like I said, I was completely paralyzed. Like as if all of a sudden my whole body wasn't functioning. Hell, I didn't even feel my body. I felt like I only had a head, with no arms, no legs, no torso. Just my head. That was the only thing I could feel. I thought to myself while that happened, was I dreaming? Unfortunately, no, I wasn't dreaming. It really happened. I was actually being disturbed by a setan, bloody devil. It is completely up to you to believe it or not, but if you were there, if you were in my shoes at that time, then you'd believe me.
It lasted for a few minutes. I just lay there, paralyzed. My mind started to function badly. I started to imagine that thing standing just a few meters away from me. In my room, I have dark maroon curtains in the background and those transparent white ones in the foreground. So when it gets dark, my maroon curtains will look black and the white ones will look like...well...that thing. From where I was laying, I started to imagine that thing just in front of my curtains. But of course, I remember that I didn't see that thing. No. But I felt it. I haven't been through anything like this before. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream like there's no tomorrow.
After a few minutes, that tingling feeling was gone. My whole body wasn't paralyzed anymore and I could move again. I recited every prayer I could think of in my head. In my head, I recited the prayers out loud until the whole world could hear me. That's when that thing got off me. But, just after I shifted so that I was laying on my right side now, the feeling came back. My skin prickled like pins and needles. It sent tingles up and down my spine. But this time, I wasn't as paralyzed as before. I still couldn't move, but at least I could feel my legs and my arms.
That thing was on top of me. I could feel it. So heavy and paralyzing, I realised. I wanted so badly to scream again, but I failed to do so. I remember feeling my hands clasp together, but I couldn't feel my skin. I knew I was clutching my hand so tightly with my long fingernails, but I didn't feel any pain...because my hands were numb. When I could move again, I still felt the tingles up and down my body. My hands reached automatically for my arms, rubbing them up and down. I didn't feel any goosebumps rising, but it was prickly. When that thing got off me, I felt so relieved that I went to sleep immediately. Now that I think of it again, it makes me sooooo angry.
It knows what you're thinking. If you're weak and scared, just like I was last night, it will attack you. But on the contrary, if you're emotionally strong, it will go away and not disturb you. That's it.
You wanna live in this damn house, go ahead. Just don't disturb me while I'm sleeping. Hell, don't even disturb me at all!
I'm mad alright. Mad just thinking about it. A few things I am certain of :
a) A satan disturbed me last night by laying on top of me, making my whole body paralyzed.
b) I was scared to death.
c) I'm not going to sleep in my room tonight.
d) IF it happens again, I swear to God I'm gonna tell that bastard to go away, even if it means like as if I'm talking to myself. Some crazy lunatic talking to herself. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I went to my school's Sports Day today. I'm not gonna say much, just that I enjoyed my day. My house team was the champion, overall. After so many years of getting either third or the last place, we finally won the title, "Champion"! We were the ones who collected the most points, a total of one thousand six hundred something. Woo! We cheered like there's no tomorrow. Everyone screamed and jumped up and down with joy and pride, so loudly that I couldn't feel my eardrums anymore. Just when I thought that we would lose again this year...sigh. We won! Wooooot!
As I got home from the stadium, I can honestly say that I stank. Really bad. A combination of sweat and perfume. Oh yeah. The sweet smell of success. HAHA. But after showering, I didn't stink at all. I smelt like a baby's skin and my hair smelt like roses. Oh yeaaaah.
I told my sister over lunch about what I've been through last night. She's had the same thing happen to her, too. Twice. The first time, she handled the situation just like I did, or any other human being would. She just sat there, paralyzed, and recited a few prayers. The second time happened to her last year, when she was badly sick. She got so agitated that she grumbled, and that thing went away. When she could feel herself again, she got up and actually challenged that thing to show up. But of course, it didn't show up. Probably scared, in spite of my sister having long black hair that night, with red bloodshot eyes and an angry expression. Woo. Maybe I should do that, too, if it happens to me again, which I hope it won't. Because, really, this isn't something you'd want to experience in your life. Not now, not later, not ever.
I can only pray and beg to God to shelter me from these satans. I never ever want this thing to happen to me again, and the most I can do is to rely on God to help protect me from these things. Allahu akbar, tolong lah aku!
Wednesday, February 25
4:40 PM
Just as the bell rang on the fifth period, indicating that it was time for Science, I was literally bouncing up and down and disturbing Miss Picklehead who sits next to me in class [who calls me a Chili-head because she thinks I get mad and angry so easily, hah!] Why? Well, I was anxious but excited, of course. We only had one period of science today, so I assumed that we would be getting our science papers. But to my utter disappointment, we didn't get back our test results. Turns out my teacher didn't show up at school, and obviously the papers are with her. When will I ever get that science paper?
I'm sick of trying to impress people, you know. I'm just sick of it. The other day, when I told my parents about that A I earned in Maths, I found myself disappointed that they didn't celebrate it along with me. Well, they said it's good that I got an A. Maybe I told them at the wrong time, maybe they weren't in the right mood. But still, as for other cases, I'm sick of trying. Just...sick. As long as I'm contently happy with myself...that's fine.
I'm getting my BM paper tomorrow. I'm pretty scared, and my heart is thudding like a thunderstorm in my chest. Thud thud thud.
Monday, February 23
5:51 PM
Iman, do you have internet service?
Yes.
Do you have the Score-A program?
Yeah.
NERD!
Heeeeyyyy!
Shuddup man! That's sensitive :( Hahaha. My classmate wouldn't stop calling me a nerd, just because my mum signed me up to that online Score-A program, the one where I can do exercises online. Well, so what? Hey, at least I don't look like one, riiiiight?
Liyana, do I look like as if I'm mendada-ing?
No lah, mana ada. Why?
Well, I still can't get over the fact that people cakap I jalan macam mendada. **Screw you imbeciles!**
Nooooo lah! I tengok you jalan selambaaaa je.
Ah, good.
How do people mendada anyway? They look so stiff and controlled.
Hahahahaha.
Honestly, she wasn't the only person who said that I don't walk like as if I'm putting out my chest. What do you think I am? A cheap skank? Well, you should look in a mirror, you'll see a blind person reflected on the surface of the mirror. Really, you should see ... oh sorry!
I managed to clean my room today. I vacuumed the floor. I scrubbed the floor, with an old rag soaked in water and detergent -- Cinderella style. Every surface of the floor tiles, every nook and cranny in the corners, I managed to clean it. Woooooo three cheers for me! **Don't, unless you don't want to.
Friday, February 20
3:20 PM
Just when you think that things are starting to get better, or that you’re so happy and euphoric that you tend to forget every freaking thing in the world, that’s when you learn that you’re actually in the risk of getting too disappointed until you absolutely loathe yourself for getting into such situations.
Being an optimist, it sucks. Yes, it’s better than being a pessimist but, man, sometimes you just don’t think of the consequences. It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks the hell out of everything.
I once read a saying that goes something like this, “The only reason why we hold on to memories so tight is because they never seem to change.” I hate to admit it, but it is awfully true. I hold on to my memories, and sometimes I replay them in my head before I go to sleep in peace. That’s as far as I could go when I suddenly feel nostalgic.
I am baffled. I’ve had a rough week, no doubt. Exams were exhausting, my moodswings attacked regularly, and I only got three to four hours of sleep a day. Okay, maybe the sleeping part is not so bad but still, I hate moodswings. They drive you nuts! Nuts I tell you, nuts! The days just passed by, and I feel like as if my life has been bombed with a bazooka.
Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I hate what I do, I hate my appearance, I hate everything that revolves around me. And when I’m reaching this stage, I don’t look into the mirror. Self-hatred is something inevitable for me. Just looking at myself in the mirror gives me the feeling of repugnance. Because I’m sure, every step that I decide to take, it’ll eventually lead me to a horrible ending. And you know what bugs me the most? It’s when people think of me as “the other person”. You know, like when they don’t have anyone to go to, they’d come to me just for the sake of having someone to talk to. Well here’s an idea; go to hell.
Going with the flow is not easy. Being all by myself, with only myself as my own company, it’s utterly torturous. I do have friends. I hang out with them everyday, I laugh with them everyday . . . and yet . . . I can’t stand to be alone. It’s like having my mind all to myself, and sometimes, I tend to turn myself inside out, exposing myself to those hideous memories . . . The human mind is a complex thing. My mind is too complex. Everything just comes back to me like swarming spears, harming me at its best.
Today was just as bad as the other days this week. Moodswings, moodswings . . . What is up with moodswings anyway? Stupid hormones. I want to be twelve again, the age where I was still naïve, still a small kid who knew nothing about puberty and period and stuff. I hate being fifteen, sort of.
My classmates and I discussed our BM papers today. I did well in the essay, but badly in the objective questions. Like I said, the objective questions are the culprit to my getting a bad grade in BM. So many answers to choose, all of them are right, but only one is the most relevant. What the hell, right? I hate BM. I never liked it during my eight and a half years of school.
On the contrary, I had lost six out of thirty marks in my Maths paper two. Some freaking rhombus, I labelled as a paralellogram. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. But then again, I did pretty well in my Mathematics. I only lost six marks, and I’m sure my paper one will be able to help me, since we were allowed to use calculators and all. Here’s an unexpected thing that happened at school today; I got an A in my KH. Honestly, I didn’t study much for KH. It’s all about using your commonsense and logic, hell-oooooo. But then again, I had managed to score an A on this paper. Wow, I’m really improving from last year. My results last year were . . . eeekkkk.
I can’t wait to get back to school on Monday. I’m gonna get my intervention exam results, see my friends . . . Argh. I don’t see why I tend to swear a lot nowadays. Sucks!
Thursday, February 19
3:00 PM
The first intervention exam for the year is over. And the last paper was . . . Geography.
I had to sit for two papers today. The first paper was the Arts and the second one was Geography. Honestly, I never really bothered about Arts -- or Sivik. I never bothered about striving for that A in these two subjects. Why? They're not really relevant right now.
I came to school unprepared for the Arts paper. We were given a few options to choose to create a scenery on a piece of A3-sized paper. I chose Question Number 3, the paddy field. The question asked for a scenery on the paddy field. The paddies were supposed to look ripe and yellowish, with beautiful mountains in the background. Since the question asked for that, I did what it asked for. I borrowed my friend's colour pencils by only choosing the colours that I needed; shades of yellows, greens, and browns; and also a paper cup filled with water and a brush. Since I was lazy enough to not colour my drawing perfectly, I only scribbled the sufficient amount of colours onto my drawing. Then I used the brush, damp with water, to smoothen out the colours. Almost like paint.
The end product of my Arts paper was . . . unexpected. I never liked it when it comes to the beginning of a drawing. The paper just sits in front of you, blank, white and bright, signifying nothing. But when I started to finally get into what I was trying to do, that's when I got determined to perfect what I was doing. It took me nearly 90% of the time given to finish my painting. Well, "painting", sort of. I don't mean to brag, but I must say, the end product of my "painting" amazed me. I was satisfied at what I had done. Woo! And earlier before, I didn't even give a darn crap about it.
Geography was a bit hard. I wasn't nearly as happy when I found out there were some cases of cheating. I know the names, but I don't intend to report them. Please. I'm not a butt-sucker or those annoying clinging teacher's pets. Cheating. Talk about unfair. Okay, I gotta admit, even I got a sneak peek at the Geography paper but I didn't look at the answers. I only looked at the questions, which I know is still unfair, but in a way I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't go searching for the answers in the textbook or from any other sources. I only read the questions, and that was it. You know, like reading a boring article from a magazine/newspaper and then immediately forgetting about it? Yeah. I only thought carefully and wisely about the answers while I was actually doing the paper.
Cheating is, above all, unfair. I . . . no, not just me . . . most of us studied our butts off for that A in our exams. I worked hard, I stayed up late at night and woke up really early in the morning just to study, just to get that A. While some others just sit back and relax, and they can get that A just like that. There's only one conclusion; cheating. Huh. Maybe I should be an attorney one day, or better yet, a judge. Since I'm reading a book with the background of a judge, I tend to find it very interesting.
After I was done answering all of the questions during Geography, at the last page, I wrote, "I was fully honest" in thick scarlet ink. I felt good about myself, because I wasn't intrigued to cheat when I had a sneak peek of that paper. I wasn't intrigued to jot down the answers somewhere and then look it up again while answering the paper. No. Honestly, I did have the thought of copying but then I thought again, it's not fair! I would be lying to myself, like hiding the horrible truth underneath an opposite facade. And it definitely wouldn't be ironic that all this while I wasn't able to score an A in Geography, and then all of a sudden I get like 90 marks or something. No. I am not a cheater. I would be caught dead if I cheated on my exams. And plus, you don't really get the "vibe" of exams if you already know the answers . . . by cheating.
I had to sit for two papers today. The first paper was the Arts and the second one was Geography. Honestly, I never really bothered about Arts -- or Sivik. I never bothered about striving for that A in these two subjects. Why? They're not really relevant right now.
I came to school unprepared for the Arts paper. We were given a few options to choose to create a scenery on a piece of A3-sized paper. I chose Question Number 3, the paddy field. The question asked for a scenery on the paddy field. The paddies were supposed to look ripe and yellowish, with beautiful mountains in the background. Since the question asked for that, I did what it asked for. I borrowed my friend's colour pencils by only choosing the colours that I needed; shades of yellows, greens, and browns; and also a paper cup filled with water and a brush. Since I was lazy enough to not colour my drawing perfectly, I only scribbled the sufficient amount of colours onto my drawing. Then I used the brush, damp with water, to smoothen out the colours. Almost like paint.
The end product of my Arts paper was . . . unexpected. I never liked it when it comes to the beginning of a drawing. The paper just sits in front of you, blank, white and bright, signifying nothing. But when I started to finally get into what I was trying to do, that's when I got determined to perfect what I was doing. It took me nearly 90% of the time given to finish my painting. Well, "painting", sort of. I don't mean to brag, but I must say, the end product of my "painting" amazed me. I was satisfied at what I had done. Woo! And earlier before, I didn't even give a darn crap about it.
Geography was a bit hard. I wasn't nearly as happy when I found out there were some cases of cheating. I know the names, but I don't intend to report them. Please. I'm not a butt-sucker or those annoying clinging teacher's pets. Cheating. Talk about unfair. Okay, I gotta admit, even I got a sneak peek at the Geography paper but I didn't look at the answers. I only looked at the questions, which I know is still unfair, but in a way I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't go searching for the answers in the textbook or from any other sources. I only read the questions, and that was it. You know, like reading a boring article from a magazine/newspaper and then immediately forgetting about it? Yeah. I only thought carefully and wisely about the answers while I was actually doing the paper.
Cheating is, above all, unfair. I . . . no, not just me . . . most of us studied our butts off for that A in our exams. I worked hard, I stayed up late at night and woke up really early in the morning just to study, just to get that A. While some others just sit back and relax, and they can get that A just like that. There's only one conclusion; cheating. Huh. Maybe I should be an attorney one day, or better yet, a judge. Since I'm reading a book with the background of a judge, I tend to find it very interesting.
After I was done answering all of the questions during Geography, at the last page, I wrote, "I was fully honest" in thick scarlet ink. I felt good about myself, because I wasn't intrigued to cheat when I had a sneak peek of that paper. I wasn't intrigued to jot down the answers somewhere and then look it up again while answering the paper. No. Honestly, I did have the thought of copying but then I thought again, it's not fair! I would be lying to myself, like hiding the horrible truth underneath an opposite facade. And it definitely wouldn't be ironic that all this while I wasn't able to score an A in Geography, and then all of a sudden I get like 90 marks or something. No. I am not a cheater. I would be caught dead if I cheated on my exams. And plus, you don't really get the "vibe" of exams if you already know the answers . . . by cheating.
Wednesday, February 18
5:19 PM
Yesterday, I sat for my science and history papers. Science. Ah, it’s so inevitable to find me saying that science is nothing but easy. Seriously. I felt good about myself after I was done with my science paper.
History, on the contrary, was a bit disappointing. What I had managed to study the night before – which I had planned to stay up late the night before and wake up super early, but I failed to do so because I ended up in LalaLand by 11.30pm – didn’t come out in the paper. Well, some did, but only like five percent? But, I think with my good sense of logic and commonsense, I think I can beat this one up.
Last night I stayed up until 2.30 in the morning to study for my Agama. Thanks to the Earl Grey tea that I drank after dinner, I was fully – okay, maybe not fully – awake by the time I opened my textbook. Since I was studying on my bed instead of at my desk, I occasionally fell asleep, but only for a short period of time. Seriously, I can’t study if I’m not comfortable enough. To prevent myself from sleeping all the way, I listened to some songs stored in my phone so that I would be awake as soon as possible. I also planned to wake up at 4.30 in the morning today so that I can quickly refresh my mind on the other subjects, but I turned off my alarm. Luckily though, I woke up at 5.30.
Today, I had my Agama, KH, and Maths papers. Agama was pretty easy, even though I was palpably panicking in the morning when I had realized that I didn’t revise on an important chapter. Luckily though, the chapter which I didn’t revise so much had only two questions in the paper. I figured that my Agama paper would be hard, but surprisingly it wasn’t. I couldn’t help but smile when I was done with the paper. It was easy, I guess. Not sure about that A, but who knows, I might improve(?).
KH and Maths were easy. Beyond easy. Although there were some complications, I still managed to answer all of the questions on both papers. My KH paper had only 30 questions based on the form one and form two syllabus, which was downright trouble-free. As for Maths, we were allowed to use calculators for the first paper only. As for the second paper, which was the subjective one, we weren’t allowed to use calculators. I think I can get an A for Maths this time, and hopefully in the future as well. Nothing is impossible unless you really set your mind to it and just go for it. I’m beyond determined to get that straight A’s for PMR.
Nowadays, caffeine is something that I must consume everyday. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help it! I usually drink that three-in-one Nescafe in the morning before school, and tea at night/evening. I can’t not consume caffeine in the morning, or else I would feel sleepy and lose my focus at school. It is so unhealthy, I know. I mean, for a nearly-fifteen-year-old like me, caffeine is bad. B-A-D.
I just realized one thing; I’ve lost weight. Hey, I have body fat too, you know. Last night I went through some pictures of myself and my few other friends, back in November last year. I could see, from the smile that plastered on my face, my cheeks were chubbier and fuller back then. Now, as I smile, my cheeks are no longer as chubby as before. I think eye bags are starting to form under my eyes now. I’ve been frequently sleeping late and waking up early in the morning. I’m not getting enough sleep. Studies can be mean, you know.
History, on the contrary, was a bit disappointing. What I had managed to study the night before – which I had planned to stay up late the night before and wake up super early, but I failed to do so because I ended up in LalaLand by 11.30pm – didn’t come out in the paper. Well, some did, but only like five percent? But, I think with my good sense of logic and commonsense, I think I can beat this one up.
Last night I stayed up until 2.30 in the morning to study for my Agama. Thanks to the Earl Grey tea that I drank after dinner, I was fully – okay, maybe not fully – awake by the time I opened my textbook. Since I was studying on my bed instead of at my desk, I occasionally fell asleep, but only for a short period of time. Seriously, I can’t study if I’m not comfortable enough. To prevent myself from sleeping all the way, I listened to some songs stored in my phone so that I would be awake as soon as possible. I also planned to wake up at 4.30 in the morning today so that I can quickly refresh my mind on the other subjects, but I turned off my alarm. Luckily though, I woke up at 5.30.
Today, I had my Agama, KH, and Maths papers. Agama was pretty easy, even though I was palpably panicking in the morning when I had realized that I didn’t revise on an important chapter. Luckily though, the chapter which I didn’t revise so much had only two questions in the paper. I figured that my Agama paper would be hard, but surprisingly it wasn’t. I couldn’t help but smile when I was done with the paper. It was easy, I guess. Not sure about that A, but who knows, I might improve(?).
KH and Maths were easy. Beyond easy. Although there were some complications, I still managed to answer all of the questions on both papers. My KH paper had only 30 questions based on the form one and form two syllabus, which was downright trouble-free. As for Maths, we were allowed to use calculators for the first paper only. As for the second paper, which was the subjective one, we weren’t allowed to use calculators. I think I can get an A for Maths this time, and hopefully in the future as well. Nothing is impossible unless you really set your mind to it and just go for it. I’m beyond determined to get that straight A’s for PMR.
Nowadays, caffeine is something that I must consume everyday. I know it’s bad, but I can’t help it! I usually drink that three-in-one Nescafe in the morning before school, and tea at night/evening. I can’t not consume caffeine in the morning, or else I would feel sleepy and lose my focus at school. It is so unhealthy, I know. I mean, for a nearly-fifteen-year-old like me, caffeine is bad. B-A-D.
I just realized one thing; I’ve lost weight. Hey, I have body fat too, you know. Last night I went through some pictures of myself and my few other friends, back in November last year. I could see, from the smile that plastered on my face, my cheeks were chubbier and fuller back then. Now, as I smile, my cheeks are no longer as chubby as before. I think eye bags are starting to form under my eyes now. I’ve been frequently sleeping late and waking up early in the morning. I’m not getting enough sleep. Studies can be mean, you know.
Monday, February 16
5:34 PM
The first intervention exam started today. And I must say, I was surprised to say that I didn't dread doing the exam. We only did so little.
BM was freaking easy. EASY. 1-2-3 EASY. We only had to write a summary based on article, answer some subjective questions based on the article, and also answer only TEN objective questions. I must admit, all this while, the objective questions were the culprit to my not-getting-an-A in BM. I'm pretty anxious about my results though.
English was, no doubt, easy. English was never hard for me, since I obviously read a lot of English books. We only had to write an article based on the given topic and the given information, and that will determine our marks for the first Intervention Exam. Pretty easy right? You bet. I have no doubts at all about that A I'm going to score. Heh heh.
Sejarah is tomorrow, and I'm feeling very paranoid and anxious. I'm afraid that I won't be able to answer the questions, even though the sixty questions are all objective. The paper tomorrow will revolve around the form one and form two syllabus of Sejarah. Since I never really did well in my history, I don't think I can immediately get that A tomorrow. Come to think of it, now that my history teacher says that memorizing the facts is no good, but remembering is, I tend to understand history a lot better. There are times when I'm worried that I won't be able to remember the facts, but I must say that I am surprised to find myself at home, reciting back what I have learned, while doing something else.
I think I can improve on my history tomorrow. I think. There are doubts about that A though. But right now the A is not what I'm aiming for. As long as I improve on my history, I think that's just as good.
I'm going to have history and science tomorrow. Science. Pfft. I can even do it with my eyes closed. I found myself pretty bored and lifeless while doing some science exercises, since I already knew the answers so well that I can even bring it to my sleep.
Well, I'm going to work hard this time. Every exam counts. I assume that the exams will determine my PMR results in the future. Yikes.
BM was freaking easy. EASY. 1-2-3 EASY. We only had to write a summary based on article, answer some subjective questions based on the article, and also answer only TEN objective questions. I must admit, all this while, the objective questions were the culprit to my not-getting-an-A in BM. I'm pretty anxious about my results though.
English was, no doubt, easy. English was never hard for me, since I obviously read a lot of English books. We only had to write an article based on the given topic and the given information, and that will determine our marks for the first Intervention Exam. Pretty easy right? You bet. I have no doubts at all about that A I'm going to score. Heh heh.
Sejarah is tomorrow, and I'm feeling very paranoid and anxious. I'm afraid that I won't be able to answer the questions, even though the sixty questions are all objective. The paper tomorrow will revolve around the form one and form two syllabus of Sejarah. Since I never really did well in my history, I don't think I can immediately get that A tomorrow. Come to think of it, now that my history teacher says that memorizing the facts is no good, but remembering is, I tend to understand history a lot better. There are times when I'm worried that I won't be able to remember the facts, but I must say that I am surprised to find myself at home, reciting back what I have learned, while doing something else.
I think I can improve on my history tomorrow. I think. There are doubts about that A though. But right now the A is not what I'm aiming for. As long as I improve on my history, I think that's just as good.
I'm going to have history and science tomorrow. Science. Pfft. I can even do it with my eyes closed. I found myself pretty bored and lifeless while doing some science exercises, since I already knew the answers so well that I can even bring it to my sleep.
Well, I'm going to work hard this time. Every exam counts. I assume that the exams will determine my PMR results in the future. Yikes.
Saturday, February 14
10:18 PM
Exam exam exam . . .
Intervention intervention intervention exam . . .
The words keep repeating in my head like the sound of my heart pulsing. Freaking exam.
And I just don't get it! These freaking moodswings are attacking me more often, thus leading me to a possibly massive tantrum. Frikkin' hormones. Frikkin' annoying!
Friday, February 13
5:47 PM
By the time I arrived at school, for some reason I was already panting, even when sitting down. I don't know if it was just my mind, but it was kind of hard for me to breathe. I had to gasp a little to get air into my lungs. Maybe it was just my mind.
By 8.30, the sukan tara started. We warmed up a little, did a bit of stretching. My house team, the blue one, we had to go to the high jump first.
High jump. It still amazes me how people can jump above the pole without even hitting it. As far as I can remember, I don't recall myself ever succeeding in the high jump. Hah. Never. But I did what I had to do. I tried to jump over the pole, but inevitably, I didn't pass. Heh.
Then we had to do the running. I forgot how many meters we had to run, sprint actually, but I know it's kind of a long track. From one side of the field to another. I was kind of looking forward to the running, actually. I was in the fourth track, but I forgot which number I finished. I don't mean to brag, but I can actually run pretty fast. Maybe not super fast like my other friends, but I'm not that bad.
The long jump was something I couldn't wait for. I was really looking forward to the long jump, in spite that it's the only thing I'm good at among the four sports; high jump, running, lontar peluru, long jump. When I went to look at the distance that we had to pass in order to get two marks, I was very sure that I could pass the line. And well, I came up to my expectations.
During my first try, I was kind of amazed to know that I had landed past the line. But, my attempt was rejected. I didn't notice before that I had stepped past the board to jump. But on my second try, I managed to get the maximum score, two points. I didn't step after the board before jumping, and I still managed to land after the line! Woo!
Okay, I'm not going to talk about the fourth sport. Lontar peluru. I threw that heavy 4kg thing veeeery "far". Pfft.
By recess, I was done with all of the four sports. During the few days before the sukan tara, I wasn't looking forward to the day at all. I had cracked my brain to come up with a good excuse to not participate in the sports. I did come up with a good excuse, but I became hesitant the day before today. I was actually kind of wanting to participate, especially in the long jump and the running. I never really liked the fact that people will be watching me as I do it, the sports, blaaahh. Truth to be told, I never liked people staring at me at all.
I kept the good excuse with me, just in case. But by the time I was warming up earlier today, I figured, might as well just do it. It'll be over before I even know it. So I did it.
Somehow, after school ended, I was feeling very peeved and disgusted. I don't know why, but I was peeved. I was annoyed, aggravated, and furious. Here comes the mood swing, I thought. One second I was mad, and well what a surprise, the next thing I knew was that I was cheerful again. Moodswings are annoying. Very annoying. Especially if you don't know the reason why the moodswings attack you.
The first thing I did when I got home was lie down on my bed. I had taken off my school clothes and I put on some shorts and an oversized tee. I smelled very unpleasant. The scent that lingered on my body was the mixture of evaporated sweat and Rexona. I was very lethargic and tired when I got home. Due to the running I did today, my legs are killing me. Muscle pull. Again. I had given everything out of me to run as fast as I could at that time. And of course, the consequences were pretty darn painful. So don't be surprised if you see me walking strangely the next time you see me.
I lay unconsciously on my bed, drifting off to a nap. I slept long enough to have a short dream...which I would love for it to come true...
I haven't been exercising for a long time. I'm not as strong as I was before, aw crud.
Monday, February 9
10:28 PM
My brother was home! My brother was home!
Was. My brother was home, and now he's back in Miri! Oh joy -_-"
My brother got home yesterday, but he only stayed here for one night. He had to sign a few forms regarding the house that my father's buying as an investment for the rest of us, so he went home. It's been weeks since he last came home. But, I could see, that my brother was stressed from work. He seldom tells jokes now, he's more serious, less sarcastic . . .
It's February. Everyone is busy in February, no? Busy with work, busy with studies, etc. But, it felt nice that my brother was home. We [the whole family] even celebrated his homecoming by going out to dinner at a pleasant restaurant, which left me feeling contently bloated.
The first thing I did when I saw my brother embracing my sister at the porch yesterday was open the door, put on the first pair of slippers I could find, and ran to my brother. His back was facing toward me, so I sneaked up to him. I hugged his waist with full force until I had no energy left. I'm still surprised at the fact that he still could breathe when I hugged him so tightly. It's either I'm too weak or he's too strong, haha. Yeah, I miss my brother a lot :(
When I was dropping off my brother at the airport with my parents a few hours ago, we lingered at McDonald's. I had a sundae ice cream while waiting for my brother to board. About fourty-five minutes after that, we had to leave already. I hugged my brother for the last time before went into the boarding area. And what he said to me after that was inevitably true; "Go eat some more! You're still so small!" Eheh, huh. You know, I still need to wear a belt around the smallest pair of jeans I own, which is size 24, so that it stays comfortably on my hips. Heehee . . .
As I was walking with my parents to the car park, I chatted with my mum. She brought up the topic of me taking the medical course when I'm in college later. I know I'm only turning fifteen soon, I still haven't finished my PMR yet, and it's still too early for me to think about these things. But really, when my mum said that she wanted a doctor in the family, I wanted to be the doctor. No, I want to be a doctor. Maybe, just maybe, I will be a highly educated and successful doctor, or a pharmacist, etc. before I reach thirty. Wow, I sound so old now, don't I?
I'd really like to be a person who specializes in health. When my parents get older and older as the years go by, I'd like to help them with their health so that they don't have to pay so much to stay healthy. Think of it as a "repayment" for all their hardwork in raising me to become a good person. Aaah yessss.
I have missions and visions. Wow. I sound like a nerd, but I don't freaking care xD
Was. My brother was home, and now he's back in Miri! Oh joy -_-"
My brother got home yesterday, but he only stayed here for one night. He had to sign a few forms regarding the house that my father's buying as an investment for the rest of us, so he went home. It's been weeks since he last came home. But, I could see, that my brother was stressed from work. He seldom tells jokes now, he's more serious, less sarcastic . . .
It's February. Everyone is busy in February, no? Busy with work, busy with studies, etc. But, it felt nice that my brother was home. We [the whole family] even celebrated his homecoming by going out to dinner at a pleasant restaurant, which left me feeling contently bloated.
The first thing I did when I saw my brother embracing my sister at the porch yesterday was open the door, put on the first pair of slippers I could find, and ran to my brother. His back was facing toward me, so I sneaked up to him. I hugged his waist with full force until I had no energy left. I'm still surprised at the fact that he still could breathe when I hugged him so tightly. It's either I'm too weak or he's too strong, haha. Yeah, I miss my brother a lot :(
When I was dropping off my brother at the airport with my parents a few hours ago, we lingered at McDonald's. I had a sundae ice cream while waiting for my brother to board. About fourty-five minutes after that, we had to leave already. I hugged my brother for the last time before went into the boarding area. And what he said to me after that was inevitably true; "Go eat some more! You're still so small!" Eheh, huh. You know, I still need to wear a belt around the smallest pair of jeans I own, which is size 24, so that it stays comfortably on my hips. Heehee . . .
As I was walking with my parents to the car park, I chatted with my mum. She brought up the topic of me taking the medical course when I'm in college later. I know I'm only turning fifteen soon, I still haven't finished my PMR yet, and it's still too early for me to think about these things. But really, when my mum said that she wanted a doctor in the family, I wanted to be the doctor. No, I want to be a doctor. Maybe, just maybe, I will be a highly educated and successful doctor, or a pharmacist, etc. before I reach thirty. Wow, I sound so old now, don't I?
I'd really like to be a person who specializes in health. When my parents get older and older as the years go by, I'd like to help them with their health so that they don't have to pay so much to stay healthy. Think of it as a "repayment" for all their hardwork in raising me to become a good person. Aaah yessss.
I have missions and visions. Wow. I sound like a nerd, but I don't freaking care xD
Friday, February 6
5:02 PM
I don't get it. I just don't get it. Today was supposed to be a good day but . . . it was the other way around.
The school had organized a class party for each class. Of course, it was held in our own classes instead of the canteen. Blah dee blah blaahh . . .
I gotta admit, our class was probably the lamest one ever. I don't want to mention what he had for our class party, because it's so embarrassing. We were promised to eat pizza, but the pizzas arrived about one hour and a half after I had finished eating. By the time the pizzas arrived, I was already feeling full and I only ate a small slice of pepperoni pizza. In fact, I only managed to finish half of the small slice. Well, there goes my one buck.
There was a lion dance show after that. It was performed by some of the people from AIA. A few of my classmates were lucky enough to get front row seats. I got one of the front row seats.
So the dance began. And man, the sounds of the drums and symbals were freaking loud! In fact, it was so loud that I couldn't feel my eardrums anymore. The "lion" was silver, blue, and orange in colour, instead of red and yellow. At first there was one only one lion -- not the real lion, of course, you moron -- performing. I was only a few meters away from the show. The two people inside the lion occasionally got close to one of the audience, and unfortunately I was one of the targets.
The face of the lion, controlled by a person of course, went right in front of my face. As I was backing away from the huge face, the lion's face got closer until I was hiding behind my friend's back. When the face got away, I laughed and continued watching the show.
About a few minutes after that, a second lion joined the show. Blah dee blah blah they jumped and twisted and danced. It was very cool, the way the dancers jumped from pole to pole. And then . . .
I saw a mandarin flying exactly towards my face. I had planned to catch it, but it fell on the ground and I wasn't able to reach it. Then . . . one of the lions wanted to retrieve back the mandarin, but it was out of its reach. The huge face of the lion hit my head a little, and man, it hurt a bit. I realised that the head was made of something hard, like wood probably. Then the lion gave up (I think), and I got the mandarin. Woot!
The lion dance was awesome. I really thought that I was enjoying myself . . . but just until I got into the class. There were a few bags of rubbish in one corner of the class, and I sighed. Inevitably, I would be the one who has to throw away all of the rubbish, since I'm the freaking CLASS CLEANLINESS REPRESENTATIVE, thanks a lot guys. Thanks so bloody damn much to your sorry ego.
My expectation came true. It wasn't my duty to throw away the rubbish, but yeah I had to. A few of my other classmates also helped me too, but it was so unfair. The person who was on duty was supposed to throw away the rubbish, DUH! But noooo, she disappeared.
I hooked my index finger on my left hand into the opening of the plastic bag. The rubbish bag was heavy! So I walked from there to the canteen, not bothering to go to the St John's junction to throw it away. Luckily though, one of the canteen's rubbish bins were empty. Without even caring about the consequences, like the makcik to scowl at me, I dumped the bag of rubbish into the rubbish bin. My finger was painful. It felt like as if my finger was about to fall off anytime.
It wasn't a good day for me, despite the lion dance. I was feeling so peeved all the time! And hey, it utterly sucks to know people who are so selfish, so self-absorbed, so arrogant and egoistic that they don't even care about everything else. And it sucks, to watch other people being bullied/bossed around/tortured by other people who are no better than a human being. Really, it's such a repugnant sight to watch.
You are no better than a human being, so don't act like as if you're the boss of everything.
Does this statement hit you? If it does, well too bad. Some people ought to know what other people are thinking about them. Sheesh.
The school had organized a class party for each class. Of course, it was held in our own classes instead of the canteen. Blah dee blah blaahh . . .
I gotta admit, our class was probably the lamest one ever. I don't want to mention what he had for our class party, because it's so embarrassing. We were promised to eat pizza, but the pizzas arrived about one hour and a half after I had finished eating. By the time the pizzas arrived, I was already feeling full and I only ate a small slice of pepperoni pizza. In fact, I only managed to finish half of the small slice. Well, there goes my one buck.
There was a lion dance show after that. It was performed by some of the people from AIA. A few of my classmates were lucky enough to get front row seats. I got one of the front row seats.
So the dance began. And man, the sounds of the drums and symbals were freaking loud! In fact, it was so loud that I couldn't feel my eardrums anymore. The "lion" was silver, blue, and orange in colour, instead of red and yellow. At first there was one only one lion -- not the real lion, of course, you moron -- performing. I was only a few meters away from the show. The two people inside the lion occasionally got close to one of the audience, and unfortunately I was one of the targets.
The face of the lion, controlled by a person of course, went right in front of my face. As I was backing away from the huge face, the lion's face got closer until I was hiding behind my friend's back. When the face got away, I laughed and continued watching the show.
About a few minutes after that, a second lion joined the show. Blah dee blah blah they jumped and twisted and danced. It was very cool, the way the dancers jumped from pole to pole. And then . . .
I saw a mandarin flying exactly towards my face. I had planned to catch it, but it fell on the ground and I wasn't able to reach it. Then . . . one of the lions wanted to retrieve back the mandarin, but it was out of its reach. The huge face of the lion hit my head a little, and man, it hurt a bit. I realised that the head was made of something hard, like wood probably. Then the lion gave up (I think), and I got the mandarin. Woot!
The lion dance was awesome. I really thought that I was enjoying myself . . . but just until I got into the class. There were a few bags of rubbish in one corner of the class, and I sighed. Inevitably, I would be the one who has to throw away all of the rubbish, since I'm the freaking CLASS CLEANLINESS REPRESENTATIVE, thanks a lot guys. Thanks so bloody damn much to your sorry ego.
My expectation came true. It wasn't my duty to throw away the rubbish, but yeah I had to. A few of my other classmates also helped me too, but it was so unfair. The person who was on duty was supposed to throw away the rubbish, DUH! But noooo, she disappeared.
I hooked my index finger on my left hand into the opening of the plastic bag. The rubbish bag was heavy! So I walked from there to the canteen, not bothering to go to the St John's junction to throw it away. Luckily though, one of the canteen's rubbish bins were empty. Without even caring about the consequences, like the makcik to scowl at me, I dumped the bag of rubbish into the rubbish bin. My finger was painful. It felt like as if my finger was about to fall off anytime.
It wasn't a good day for me, despite the lion dance. I was feeling so peeved all the time! And hey, it utterly sucks to know people who are so selfish, so self-absorbed, so arrogant and egoistic that they don't even care about everything else. And it sucks, to watch other people being bullied/bossed around/tortured by other people who are no better than a human being. Really, it's such a repugnant sight to watch.
You are no better than a human being, so don't act like as if you're the boss of everything.
Does this statement hit you? If it does, well too bad. Some people ought to know what other people are thinking about them. Sheesh.
Thursday, February 5
9:57 PM
I just remembered what I was like today . . .
I just remembered the good deeds that I did today and yesterday. A lot, actually. Both mentally and physically.
Earlier today, I gave my unused long-sleeved PJK shirt to one of my good classmates, free of charge. Yesterday she was asking about the price on the long-sleeved shirt from the Koperasi, so I gave her the answer. But then, I thought about the long-sleeved shirt of mine at home. It's still brand new, I only wore it twice. Then, I asked her nonchalantly if she would like to take my shirt, since I don't wear it anymore. She was more than glad to accept it . . . but with something for me in exchange. I refused.
I could use some cash right now. But I don't know why, I gave the shirt to my classmate for free. She had been pestering me to accept some of her money, but I still declined her offer. The shirt that I bought with my own pocket money, I gave it away to someone who needed it more than I do . . . with no charge. Well hey, it's not my fault that this classmate of mine is such a good person. She's been very friendly to me lately, and I sort of felt taken aback and flattered that she had waited for me during recess today.
As for last night, I had volunteered to help a friend of mine to print something. "Printer gila," she says. Ha ha. Again, she had been pestering me to let her repay me with something nice, but of course, I said no. I argued with her for a bit, but then she offered chocolates. Well hey, I'm a girl. And girls do need their chocolates :)
About a few hours ago, I thought about the RM30 that I have to pay up by tomorrow for the extra Sejarah lessons on Mondays beginning in March for six months. I had already asked my father about it and he approved of these extra classes. I also told him about the fee, and he said that he'd give me the money by the end of this week.
He didn't, actually. I felt so shy and guilty to ask him for the RM30. I mean, he's done a lot for me for the past few days. I don't know why I feel it now, but I do. He picks me up from school on time, he pays for my lunches, he even irons my clothes (which I keep on reminding myself to do it myself, but thus failing to do so) and cooks dinner! I just can't bear to ask my dad for more money, knowing that he'd been spending a lot on me this week. I've been burning a hole in his pocket with all the extra fees I had to pay. Some student card crap, which I still haven't paid. Oh, and also the tuition fee that I paid on Tuesday. And also not forgetting, he was the one who paid for the paper plates that I have to bring tomorrow -- and unfortunately, the price wasn't so pretty. Long story short, I'm the cause of the hole in his pocket. And I find that statement utterly shameful.
So in the end, I went to my mum privately, without my dad knowing. I told her about the Sejarah extra classes, which I find it compulsory for me to attend, and she casually said yes and handed me the sufficient amount of money for the fee. I felt a pang of guilt as the money was in my hands. My mum had said, "I wouldn't mind paying anything if it involves your education." I mean, what the heck, right? The way she said it just made me feel so . . . well, guilty. She sounded very . . . hopeful. I mean, I am the last child to be in school, and the fact that my parents want me to score wicked excellent results like my other siblings is so inevitable. They also want me to become a highly succesful doctor, or someone who helps other people with their health. I idly told them that that's the course that I'm planning to take once I'm in the university. Medical. Yeah.
I simply hate it when I have to ask money from my parents. To some people, asking money from their parents is like something that they frequently do. But to me, asking money from my parents is like asking them to take a bullet for me. Okay okay, too melodramatic? Well that's how I feel. It's like as if I'm putting more burden on them. It's not that we have trouble with finance or anything, it's just that I hate to ask something so big like money from them.
Now, I feel relieved. The great big rock that is so heavy is lifted off my chest. The burden is gone.
I feel good whenever I help people in their time of needs. It's complicated to explain why, but I just do feel like that. I've always felt like that about helping people. The more I give, the more I get. Alhamdulillah :)
I just remembered the good deeds that I did today and yesterday. A lot, actually. Both mentally and physically.
Earlier today, I gave my unused long-sleeved PJK shirt to one of my good classmates, free of charge. Yesterday she was asking about the price on the long-sleeved shirt from the Koperasi, so I gave her the answer. But then, I thought about the long-sleeved shirt of mine at home. It's still brand new, I only wore it twice. Then, I asked her nonchalantly if she would like to take my shirt, since I don't wear it anymore. She was more than glad to accept it . . . but with something for me in exchange. I refused.
I could use some cash right now. But I don't know why, I gave the shirt to my classmate for free. She had been pestering me to accept some of her money, but I still declined her offer. The shirt that I bought with my own pocket money, I gave it away to someone who needed it more than I do . . . with no charge. Well hey, it's not my fault that this classmate of mine is such a good person. She's been very friendly to me lately, and I sort of felt taken aback and flattered that she had waited for me during recess today.
As for last night, I had volunteered to help a friend of mine to print something. "Printer gila," she says. Ha ha. Again, she had been pestering me to let her repay me with something nice, but of course, I said no. I argued with her for a bit, but then she offered chocolates. Well hey, I'm a girl. And girls do need their chocolates :)
About a few hours ago, I thought about the RM30 that I have to pay up by tomorrow for the extra Sejarah lessons on Mondays beginning in March for six months. I had already asked my father about it and he approved of these extra classes. I also told him about the fee, and he said that he'd give me the money by the end of this week.
He didn't, actually. I felt so shy and guilty to ask him for the RM30. I mean, he's done a lot for me for the past few days. I don't know why I feel it now, but I do. He picks me up from school on time, he pays for my lunches, he even irons my clothes (which I keep on reminding myself to do it myself, but thus failing to do so) and cooks dinner! I just can't bear to ask my dad for more money, knowing that he'd been spending a lot on me this week. I've been burning a hole in his pocket with all the extra fees I had to pay. Some student card crap, which I still haven't paid. Oh, and also the tuition fee that I paid on Tuesday. And also not forgetting, he was the one who paid for the paper plates that I have to bring tomorrow -- and unfortunately, the price wasn't so pretty. Long story short, I'm the cause of the hole in his pocket. And I find that statement utterly shameful.
So in the end, I went to my mum privately, without my dad knowing. I told her about the Sejarah extra classes, which I find it compulsory for me to attend, and she casually said yes and handed me the sufficient amount of money for the fee. I felt a pang of guilt as the money was in my hands. My mum had said, "I wouldn't mind paying anything if it involves your education." I mean, what the heck, right? The way she said it just made me feel so . . . well, guilty. She sounded very . . . hopeful. I mean, I am the last child to be in school, and the fact that my parents want me to score wicked excellent results like my other siblings is so inevitable. They also want me to become a highly succesful doctor, or someone who helps other people with their health. I idly told them that that's the course that I'm planning to take once I'm in the university. Medical. Yeah.
I simply hate it when I have to ask money from my parents. To some people, asking money from their parents is like something that they frequently do. But to me, asking money from my parents is like asking them to take a bullet for me. Okay okay, too melodramatic? Well that's how I feel. It's like as if I'm putting more burden on them. It's not that we have trouble with finance or anything, it's just that I hate to ask something so big like money from them.
Now, I feel relieved. The great big rock that is so heavy is lifted off my chest. The burden is gone.
I feel good whenever I help people in their time of needs. It's complicated to explain why, but I just do feel like that. I've always felt like that about helping people. The more I give, the more I get. Alhamdulillah :)
6:01 PM
School has been very stressful lately. I've been piled up with lots of homework to be finished, and this morning I was soooooooo frustrated. Last night I've been worrying about my PJK homework. Since I forgot to bring my locker key yesterday, I couldn't take home my PJK text book and the exercise book, since those two books are in my locker. So I worried sick about what might happen today, but I was only worrying in vain. And trust me, my teacher is beyond strict.
I managed to transfer the four-paged notes in the text book to my exercise book. I was so panicked and rushed that my writing became ugly. When I finally finished it, I just found out that the teacher didn't come to school. What a joy-buzzer, right? Pfft.
But luckily I did do my PJK homework though, because the class representative for this subject asked for all our books. So I passed up mine, just in time.
I enjoyed Science class, though. We were learning about the human heart, how it pumps the blood to the rest of the body. So one of my classmates was nice enough to go and buy a cow's heart -- because a cow's heart is the closest to a human's heart -- from the butcher's stall and bring it to school. I told my friends earlier as a joke, "Make sure you have a bucket ready with you." They seem to get the message, haha.
I was lucky. No, I didn't touch the live heart, of course not. But, I did get front row seats to watch my teacher explain the human heart, or in this case, the cow's heart. And man, the heart was huge! It was four times as big as my fist. Nearly the size of an average human's head, or maybe smaller. But it was huge alright.
First we observed the external features of the cow's heart. It was nauseating, really. I had to bite my lip in order to prevent the bile clogging my throat to escape from my mouth. Okay, a bit too melodramatic right? But what the heck, the cow's heart smells bad. Beyond bad. The outer part looks gray-ish, with veins and muscles visible. My teacher showed us the atrium, the ventricles, and other parts of the heart.
What nauseated most of us in the class was the blood dripping from the heart. As the teacher flips the heart upside down, some red blood oozed out into the basin. I watched with a grimace. Wasn't really a pleasant sight to see . . . Then the teacher went to wash the heart thoroughly before cutting it in half so that we can see the internal part of the heart.
After that, it was the touch-the-heart session. The teacher let us touch the heart, feel the muscles, etcetera, if we wanted to. Most of my classmates went to go and feel it, but a few of us, including me, decided to remain our butts on our stools. As much as I was so curious to know how it feels like to touch a heart, I didn't want to.
I'm very frustrated at my position as the Class Cleanliness Representative. It's very stressful, actually. I mean, you have to make sure everyone does their duties, and some them have some pretty slick tricks up their sleeves. I don't really care that I have to bring the plastic bags to school, since I have dozens of them at home. But what I do care is when I have to put the plastic bags into the garbage bin instead of the ones who are supposed to take care of it. It's so . . . grrrgggghhrghrhghhgh!
I suck at this job, no doubt. Theory One; I'm not a good leader and I tend to be so generous enough to give them the help that exceeds the limit. Theory Two; I don't know how to be stern and strict and straight to the point. I'm completely . . . soft, that's what I am.
There will be a class party for each class tomorrow. I volunteered to bring the paper cups and plates. And oh man . . . I have a bad feeling that I'm the one who ends up cleaning up everything . . . alone. Well, maybe not alone, a handful of my classmates are really nice enough to help. Why . . . no . . . what did I do to deserve this awful task, God?
Wednesday, February 4
3:08 PM
These past two years have been great if not terrible. Sure, I've had my ups and downs, I've had fights and make-ups, etcetera . . . But what came to my realisation was the fact that I was still building up my character, still searching for an identity that would suit me. I was still naive, still young, still oblivious to the world. I was a tantrum-maniac, always having the people around me suffer from my anger. I used to be the unhappy, sadistic, cynical person who just shouts at people who gets in her way. But now . . . ? Well, all that has changed.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. The things that have happened last year really made me realise who I really am, who I'm supposed to be. I used to make silly and stupid decisions, not caring about whatever was going to happen in the future. I was also obscurely selfish, always not caring about anything but (of course), myself. Now that I think back about all of the things I was back then, I feel like laughing my head off. In a complicated way, I feel so embarrassed at myself. I mean, the things that people had to go through just because I was the one who created the mess. Oh, man.
But now, here I stand. I feel incredibly proud of myself for who I am today. These past two years have taught me a lot. I learned a lot of lessons; both academically and intellectually. I found a few hobbies of my own, like reading books and photography.
To me, I have changed into a better person. Now I am not the cynical, sadistic, mental person I was back then. The devil inside me is freed. I feel mentally clean, carefree, and of course, happy-go-lucky. Sure, call me a conceited, self-absorbed freak, but seriously, all of that just doesn't matter anymore. I have goals in my life, and I am yearning to achieve them successfully. Oh, I feel so blessed :)
There's only one word to describe me in the past; pessimistic. I had expected the worst out of everything, always making wrong conclusions and wrong suggestions. But now? I'm one hell of an optimist. I tell myself that all those little things I go through to make me feel like as if I'm crashing down to the ground are just normal obstacles in life. Sure, I might stumble and fall down occasionally, but hey, I pick up the sticks and just move on.
I am surely proud of myself. That's a fact.
I got to know myself better, too. Like for example, I like weird things and I like to be weird. I like to stand out like a sore thumb, but hey that doesn't mean that I want attention from other people. I just like to be different from other people, and I believe that is a specialty of mine. So sue me if I'm growing up and living with my family, who are intellectually different from other people I know. And plus, I hate to follow trends. I simply don't have the time to keep up with the latest trends of the physical appearance, etc etc etc. I make my own trends . . . for me, myself, and I only :)
Hoo yeah!
Tuesday, February 3
2:35 PM
I just got home from school about twenty minutes ago. I feel so tired and moody and I have a lot of homework to finish. I must also catch up on my form one and form two studies due to the upcoming Ujian Intervensi Satu crap in two weeks. Asafuawhe;fahusdfkajhsfa;shfa;kjfhas stressed!
I went to buy a scrumptious sandwich at Amcorp Mall, which my dad drove me there after picking me up from school. All of a sudden, I was craving for a turkey ham sandwich, ooh. Obviously, I ordered a turkey ham sandwich for lunch. Yummaaayyyy.
As I was waiting for my dad's car to pick me up at the taxi stand, I came across this bugger which I had to deal with for only a few seconds. I sat at the metallic bench at the taxi stand. I was searching the pick-up/drop-off section for any sign of a black Ford Escape, then all of a sudden this red Proton showed up out of nowhere. The driver drove the car slowly as it passed me, apparently I was still oblivious to the bugger at the passenger seat who kept waving giddily at me. He (obviously) flashed a grin at me when I realised that he was waving at me -- really, there was nobody around me except for a Pakcik Guard. And wouldn't it be sick if the bugger waved at the Pakcik Guard instead? -- and waved even faster. I, as usual, was clearly peeved at such gestures until I could even spit at them. But, I kept my control. Instead, I only flashed him a what-the-hell-are-you-doing frown until a few seconds before the car was out of my sight. On perfect timing, I rolled my eyes slowly and dramatically for him to see.
My dad's car stopped in front of me after about two heartbeats. I felt smug and satisfied as I entered the car. I gotta admit, I kind of felt a little scared at the consequences of me rolling my eyes at the bugger. Who knows, they might. . . okay never mind, scratch that. I really despise such repulsive and rude (in a way) gestures. Makes me wanna give a kick up their balls.
I'm going to tuition in less than five hours. Okay, now I realise how much I hate tuition. It would've been fun if I knew at least one person in the same class. But of course, no CBNer would go to a tuition center all the waaaaaayyy in Petaling Jaya. Like the last time I went to my tuition class, I started counting down the minutes until the class ended . . . and the class hadn't even started yet.
And oh, I miss my brother so much! A couple of nights ago we -- my sisters and I, as well as my parents -- phoned him and told him how much we missed him. He was supposed to come home on that night, but he couldn't find a flight. He also told us how much he wanted to come home, and he sounded like a little homesick boy by the sound of his voice. I gotta admit, fresh tears welled up at my eyes but I recovered quickly. He also sounded so stressed up, so tired, so lethargic. Well what would you expect? He had been flying for six hours. Sigh . . . let's just hope maybe someday he's going to get transfered to KL from Miri. I miss his goofy jokes . . . what a goofball. Ha ha!
Sunday, February 1
7:19 PM
Just as I woke up from bed, I took a shower. I woke up earlier than usual today, about 10am. By 11am, I was already feeling clean and ready.
I got downstairs to find Kak Intan wiping the dining table in the dining hall and Mama busy preparing food in the kitchen. Doesn't sound like a chaotic environment right? Well, not yet. The day was still early and we had at least four hours before the guests arrived.
Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to help them out. First off, I helped Kak Intan with the dining table. I arranged the place mats and cleaned some of the plates and cups. I ran around here and there searching for a table runner that can be placed nicely at the center of the wooden dining table, but I ended up with the red table runner from the kitchen.
Later in the afternoon, I followed my other two sisters to buy a whole cake for the guests. We also bought a small cake for us, too. For the guests, we bought them a very clean and pleasant looking cake. The base of the cake was actually chocolate, and then it was covered with very pretty white sugar flakes. As for the topping, bits and pieces of fruits were placed accordingly on top. It was very pretty. And for our cake? We bought a chocolate-based cake, smeared with whipped cream, and topped with assorted fruits. The icing on the cake? It was the hilarious message we asked the salesman to write on the cake. When I mean we, I meant my two sisters and I. We are always cheeky, heh heh.
When we got home, the house was chaotic. My mum ran around here and there, followed by Kak Intan, so busy trying to prepare the best for our guests. We only had so little time to prepare everything, so we did it twice as fast. . . .
3.15pm. Our guests had arrived. My future brother-in-law's parents and his siblings came to talk to our parents about the wedding and all. But seriously, the way my mum prepared the whole thing was like preparing a feast for a king and his royal clan. But still, there's nothing wrong with pleasing other people.
Finally, at 28++ years old, my sister is finally getting married! I heard that they will be wed sometime in March, and the ceremony will be in December, or January next year. I am sooooo excited! Woohoo!
That preparation just now was only for the meeting of the parents. Wait till the REAL thing.
I found out that my brother was supposed to come home today, but he couldn't catch a flight. I really miss my brother. It's been nearly two months since I last saw him. Sigh. . . .
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