Iman Nedhiera

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Intensely passionate about photography and other artsy fartsy farts. An avid nature-lover. Highly obsessed with sunny afternoons and evenings, funky-looking clouds, and sunsets. Deeply infatuated with all things old, vintage, and kitschy. Highly sentimental. An enthusiast in baking, photography, and music :)


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Monday, December 2
3:05 PM

"Be the kind of person you look up to."

Maybe some other people have thought of that phrase before. Maybe I'm just a little slow. But as I took my shower this morning, that phrase suddenly popped up in my head, and I think I've just found the answer I've been seeking all this while.

2013 hasn't really been a good year for me. I've made so many mistakes and I deeply regret them all. I tend to submerge myself into the negative portion of my head, most of the time. I rarely saw the good in anyone. I often looked down on others, thinking they don't deserve anything that they have. Bersangka buruk. I wasn't happy with my life. I was filled with so much hate and jealousy that I oversaw the good things in life. Things that Allah has granted me.

I was a hypocrite. I wore my hijab and claimed I'm a loving servant of Allah SWT. I am still His servant. But I wasn't loving. At least not enough. There was so much hatred and jealousy inside me and it poisoned me. It ripped out the happiness and contentment in my life and I was constantly inside my own negative thoughts. I was jealous over other people's happiness. I thought they didn't deserve such things. But...who am I to judge? Allah is the best of planners, and He is fair. So why was I such a hateful person?

Because I let shaytan take over my life.

He whispered things in my ear. Bad things. Made me see the bad in everyone and everything. Made me egoistic. Made me feel like as if I'm the best person in the world and no one else is better than me. I was that arrogant and egoistic. I was filled with too much ego to learn from my peers, from my mistakes. I just can't remember why I let myself succumb to shaytan's horrible whispers. Surely I knew better.

Maybe it was because of that fateful day, when promises broke and everything turned to the worst. What seemed harmless then, has taken its toll on me now.

However, there were times when I felt good about myself and my life. And all that only happened when I turned back to Allah. But for some reason, I always went back to square one; the demonic side of me.

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to get myself back to the cheery old me. It's an endless fight that I've been battling for so long. And it's tiring. A lot of times I just feel like giving up, but a lot of times I manage to pick myself back up again and just go with it.

I just feel so lost right now. My year has been marked and stained with so many dark spots on my heart that it has turned black like ash now. A dead heart.

I'm not really happy with the type of person I've turned out to be throughout the year. It was like as if I was suddenly taken into this dark world where all bad things seemed good and harmless when in fact, they're not at all. I was consumed by all these negative thoughts and I hate myself for that. No doubt, shaytan had  already made a promise to keep us astray from Allah. We all know that. So why do we let him in? Why do we follow him? Why is it so easy to let him take control of our lives, our emotions, etc...? Why?

Because. We're low in faith. Our Iman isn't strong, and we have nobody to blame but ourselves.

So what type of person do I look up to?

A woman. But not just any woman. A woman who is pure in all aspects of life. Her imaan is strong and solid, her faith unstoppable. She dresses modestly, covers her aurat perfectly in the eyes of Allah. She smiles at strangers without expecting a smile back. A form of charity. She doesn't let herself be swept away into the temptations of the dunya, for she knows that the world is only temporary and Jannah is eternal. Her heart is filled with so much love for Allah and His creations, but she knows not to let her love for Allah's creations overpower her love for the Creator Himself. She's wiped clean of hatred and jealousy and envy, because she's thankful for all that Allah has given her because she knows she deserves them. She spends her life fully devoted to her Creator and does not let the devil interfere with her worship of Allah. And instead of daydreaming when her Prince Charming will come and sweep her away into another world of happiness and longetivity, she spends her time trying to be the best for her future husband. She learns to cook, to clean, to fill up her head with useful knowledge. She learns to read the Quran and find the meanings of every surah. She prepares herself, spiritually, mentally, physically, not for her future husband, but for herself too. And with every hardship that she faces, she puts on a brave face and smiles because she  knows that sooner or later, she will get through. She loves Allah, because she knows He'll always be listening. Always. She knows she's beautiful not by her face, or her hair, or her body, but because of her personality.

So who is this woman?

Me. At least not for now. But I'm getting there. InshaAllah. I know what I need to do now. I need to fill my life with positivity and ignore the negatives. I need to learn to control my emotions and my thoughts. I need to surround myself with positive people and people who are pious.

Be the kind of person you look up to. Take a step back and think, are you happy with who you are now?




Sunday, December 1
1:44 AM

My mum taught me self-worth and self-respect.

My mum is always right.

My mum has made me realise that I'm worth so much more than I think.

So if you don't find me chasing after you once you start running away, don't be surprised.

I was taught not to chase after those who are not even willing to spend their time with me.

Why?

Because.

Because no one is worthy enough for me to chase after. Except Allah. And my parents.

The rest. Don't even dream about it.

I'm not cheap. I'm the most expensive jewel that you could ever dream of getting your hands on.

I'm worth more than you can even imagine.




Saturday, November 16
12:14 AM

KGet your head back in the game, Iman.

Remember.

Study → degree → work → buy a house → get married.

The end.

I desperately need to pull myself together. I have a project to be submitted in three weeks' time and I haven't really come up with a solid idea. Yet.

Since the condition of my house isn't really suitable for me to brainstorm right now, I think the best thing for me to do is to be in the studio. I can't think properly with all this dust lying around the house and everything is just so disorderly at the moment. I need to be somewhere quiet. Like the studio.

I've been jogging for 5 days straight now. My legs are straining a bit but they're not as bad as how they used to when I first started jogging last year. Somehow being at the man-made lake in my university campus every day in the evening seems like a mandatory thing right now. I wake up every day looking forward to the evening just because it's the only time I can be at the lake and I love it there. I love the solitude it brings me whenever I'm at the lake, despite the fact that there were many other people there as well, jogging and working out and all. Because whenever I'm there at the lake, I just don't care about anything else at all. I feel like I'm in a different place, somewhere far away from my faculty, my house, my residential college. It's just me and the lake and nothing else. My problems hide inside a separate room of their own inside my head and I love how I manage to bump into people I know 5% of the time there (I'm just guessing). Basically I just love going to that lake and not bump into anyone I know, simply because I like enjoying my free time alone.

I have priorities of my own and apparently marriage isn't one of them right now.

I am peeved as f***.




Wednesday, November 13
10:22 PM

Today was an incredibly great day, compared to yesterday. A lovely afternoon with my good friend Yasmin, a chilly evening spent on jogging at the man-made lake in UM, and a lovely home-cooked dinner with my family back at home.

Yep. Today was great :)




Tuesday, November 12
10:01 PM

It's been months since I've went out jogging. I tried jogging once about two months ago when I first started my degree program, but man I was so out of it hahah. I jogged for a bit but I just got so tired so in the end I just fast-walked.

Today marks the second day of my getting into the routine of jogging again. Someone very important to me taught me, however indirectly, that we shouldn't let anyone get in the way of us and our hobbies. He'd do anything it takes to get himself back at the field whenever it's time and not even I could stop him. Of course I was hit by that slight pang of hurt, like a slap to the face. But beyond all that, I saw his sheer determination and diligence in the thing he's most passionate about, and it got me thinking...

Back when I was in PASUM, I'd always look forward to the evenings and I'd always get disappointed whenever it rained. I started jogging after our Jogathon in December and it was that event that sparked my motivation to exercise regularly. I remember being so confident about my body whenever I went jogging. I never had the body of an athlete, but I guess it's safe to say that I'm happy with the way I look now.

Yesterday was the first day that I went out to jog in UM after so long. I listened to the songs that I used to listen back when I was in PASUM and it was like fuel to the fire. Listening to those songs sparked my desire even more to go jogging again. After I went jogging yesterday, I felt beyond good. It was a feeling that I've not felt in a long time. I felt confident, powerful. During the whole time that I was out jogging yesterday, I felt as though I was the most amazing young woman ever. I felt empowered by the sheer confidence it brought me and I felt as though no one could hurt me. I felt invincible. Nothing else mattered at that time and I've missed that feeling of being able to put those negative thougts that have been lingering around inside my head into a separate room of its own. I remember that whenever I jogged, nothing else mattered. All my problems, my sadness, my anger, etc., they were all gone...temporarily.

Today I feel slightly more satisfied with myself than I did yesterday. My legs were slightly aching from yesterday's jog, but I still went out jogging today anyway. Somehow the pain in my legs just didn't matter. With every stride, I felt that achy feeling at the lower part of my legs as my both feet hit the ground. But I didn't care. Because even though I was in (slight) pain, I still kept going.

There was this brief moment when the chorus of Paramore's Let the Flames Begin played on my phone and it gave me so much energy. At that brief moment, as I was working my way uphill, I ran. I didn't jog. I ran. The strong beats of the song fueled the burning desire within me and it was that short burst of power that made me satisfied (a little). Of course, I've lost my stamina since I've stopped jogging months ago so I could only run for a short distance, but even then it felt good.

I just love going out for a jog. I've forgotten how good it felt like during and after the jog. I've made a commitment to myself. From now on, no matter how busy I am with my studies, I'll make sure I make the time to go out for a run. It's just so stress-relieving. Of course it sucks to feel tired during the jog but it's that ability to overcome that tiredness that strengthens me. 'Just keep going, just keep going,' the mantra that often resides itself inside my head each time I go out for a jog.

I guess the reason why I want to start exercising is that, it's the only thing that makes me feel alive. It reminds me that no matter how much I felt like stopping and giving up, I still managed to pull myself together and finished it. I need that reminder because no one else will ever remind me of my own strengths. It's something I have to discover on my own and remember it. I need that reminder because lately, I'm starting to lose faith in everything and I just feel like giving up.

Ah did I mention? No one can take my evening away from me, unless I allow it. I will go out for a jog even if I have deadlines to meet. Even if I'm laden with so much work.

This is for me. I want to build that physical and mental endurance and strength and no one can stop me.

I am strong and your words cant break me.




Thursday, November 7
2:09 AM

I guess it's really true that you have no one but yourself, and Allah SWT. Your parents, your brothers, sisters, even your spouse...they won't stick around forever. They've all got their own lives to live and that makes you no different than them.

I think the early signs of depression have started to snake their ways inside me. I do not know how long I've managed to deal with such a disturbance but what I do know is that I feel like I'm wasting away. As each day passes, I become confused. Lost in a daze, I wonder where all the time went. I wonder why I feel so lost when I know exactly where I'm meant to be.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to feel or how I should feel. I don't know what I should do next. I don't know where it all started but there was a time when a seed of despair planted itself inside my system. And it grew and it grew until it clouded up my better judgements. There were times when I managed to pull it out, but it was up to no use. They're like weeds. You pull out one, and two more start to grow.

I think the reason why I've let it manage to grow into such a size is because I've been letting it nest inside me for too long. I've been quiet for far too long. I made a mistake of thinking that if I ignore it, it will go away. But it didn't. It kept coming back, more and more forcefully each time. All these emotions, these feelings, I've let it bubble up inside me for far too long. I knew I needed to let it all out, but to whom?

People think I'm strong. Oh. Don't be fooled by my nonchalant facade. They think I speak like a woman with that air of confidence that follows her so naturally like as if she was born with it. They think I'm strong. No. They're just fooled by that mask I put on every single day. I try to look confident, to speak with that intimidating air of confidence, to be the perfectionist everyone wishes to be just so I could believe that I am that confident, bold woman I yearn to be, even just for half a day. What they do not know, however, is that when I unwind myself before I go to bed, that mask is gone. All that's left is a soft, weak-hearted weakling. Timid, vulnerable. Susceptible to almost anything that has the possibility of harming me.

Lately I've come to realize that at the end of the day, you only have yourself and God to turn to. People claim they will always be there for you, they will catch you when you fall, they will wipe your tears away when you cry. Lies. Why are we all such fools to believe such foolish promises? Because we want to feel secured? To feel that comforting feeling of knowing that there will always be someone to pick you up when you fall? Why are we all so weak?

I've come to that stage where I'm building thick, ginormous walls around myself with very few openings, so that no one can just swoop in and hurt me. Destroy me. I've made myself vulnerable to a few people and got myself hurt in the process. And since then, I knew what I needed to do. I need to stop depending so much on others to make me happy. I need to stop expecting to be happy once I start talking to a loved one. I'm just so sick of being disappointed every time. I'm tired of it. Because I've been depending so much on others, i feel like I'm living my life for them and not for myself.

And it has occurred to me that I will never be satisfied until I find the strength that I've been looking for all this while. Satisfaction comes with strength. I need to find that strength in order to feel satisfied and happy with myself and I can only acquire that strength if Allah SWT allows me to.

I will try to open up my eyes a little wider and see the world at a much more open-minded mentality. But I will not let myself get so vulnerable to everything around me. Everywhere I go, there's a bubble around me. A force field to shield me from anything that could possibly harm me. I can see clearly what's up ahead, but I will not let it get to me. It can launch itself towards me, gnawing at my skin to break me open and make me bleed vulnerably, but it can never get to the core of my steel heart. People will lie to you and give you a ton of shit just to fulfill their own wants and needs, and it's our job to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

I'd like to think that all of this is will make me stronger and bolder in the end. Also, I tend to be the one to pick myself up when I'm down below in that deep well of despair. See? A bit stronger now. But I'm bound to break again tomorrow. And so the whole cycle continues.




Saturday, August 24
4:44 AM

I'm so sick of falling prey to my emotions. My moodswings. My worries and uncertainties. I'm so sick of it. Sick of being so weak, so vulnerable. The walls around me are collapsing and i'm in dire need of building them up again. I'm sick of everything. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm just numb.

I'm currently building up the walls around me again so no one can get to me. No one can touch me. No one can affect me in a bad way. From now on I am in control. I have power. I have control. I'm strong as steel.

Building walls around myself, shutting out all worldly matters. I shall not let anything imprison me. These walls I'm building around me are for protection. A force field so that nothing can penetrate into the deepest parts of my head and my mind. Everything thrown at me will be bounced back, their effort in breaking me becoming futile.

Basically, in other words, I'm training myself to not give a shit.



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